Random Thoughts

So, as I was eating some not-particularly-great shrimp just now, I had the thought: Would an animal be upset if it realized it would not be very tasty? That it, if the animal were looking down from animal heaven and saw me eating it, would it be sad to know I wasn't really enjoying the food?

Which brings me to another random thought. In the whole scheme of things, does it mean that the animal's life wasn't as worthwhile as another animal because it wasn't nearly as tasty? Say, the cow that became hamburger at McDonald's. Would it be jealous of a cow that turned into filet mignon? And what if it was the same cow, only parts of it were sent to different places. Would that make the cow happy or not?

And that leads me to my final point. Am I really appreciating the life that was taken so I could have something to eat? Do I take time—as many Native American cultures do—to thank that animal for becoming a delectable pork chop? Or do I just eat and never take time to appreciate that my food was once an animal? Or would I rather just avoid that thought altogether because it is rather sad to think of it being slaughtered?

What do you think?

P.S. I warned you it was random.

Better than fiction

What would you do if you met the hero or heroine of a novel you were writing? What would you say?

I just finished watching (for the umpteenth time) Stranger than Fiction, and that is exactly what happens to a prominent author. The man she was about to kill in her story finds her and asks her not to kill him.

How would you react to seeing them, standing there in the flesh?

I think I would be utterly fascinated, almost like a new mother glorying at a perfect child. I would want to look at her, hold her, comfort her for all the grief I put her through. I would ask her to stick with me through the story, wait to see the end. And I would be so proud that something that came solely from my thoughts had shaped into such a strong and beautiful person.

The thing I love most about this movie, though, is how hopeful and life-affirming it is. For a man who doesn't go outside his daily routine, to break that and finally live is such an amazing thing to me. How often do I get stuck in the humdrum aspects of my life and wish it were more exciting, more engaging? The only one who can take the fault for that is myself.

I cry every time I see him find passion for life while knowing he only has a short while left. I have an unknowable time on this planet. Am I living like the end was near? Am I jumping in feet first, damning the consequences as long as it is what I deem right and best?

Sadly, most often I am not. So my plea to all—including myself—is to live. Seek adventure, take a new road, learn to love living and forget the things that make it seem not worthwhile. Find the joy you can in the time you have. It's worth it.

A case of mistaken intent

It doesn't matter what you say. What matters is what they hear.

Or read, as the case may be.

I forget where I originally heard that, years ago, but it rings truer in this Internet age than I can ever remember. We move so fast—type fast, respond fast, think fast—that often the nuances of language are missed or ignored. Especially on internet forums, chat rooms, and email, there are so many ways to misconstrue what another has written.

So whose responsibility is it to avoid misunderstandings?

Everyone's, really. Both reader and writer have the obligation to:

1) write clearly and cleanly, taking care to avoid phrases that might be misunderstood or be hurtful;
2) read things carefully so the intended meaning is understood;
3) not jump to conclusions about what the other person meant;
4) ask questions if something isn't apparent or if there is a possibility of offense;
5) not shoot off a quick response that will make the situation even worse;
6) quickly and carefully resolve any issues that arise if there is a misinterpretation;
7) not hold a grudge or keep bringing it up once the misunderstanding has been resolved.

I'm not perfect at this, by a long shot, which is why I think it so important to be careful in what we say and write. I'm committing to be more thoughtful before I write or say something that could be construed as offensive, even if I'm only joking. Hurt feelings are hard to repair, so it's best to avoid the situation if at all possible.

Any thoughts on this?

Gratitude

In time for all the wonder that is Thanksgiving, I'd like to list some of the things I'm grateful/thankful for:

Friends (both in real life and online)
Good roommates
Church
Modern technology (like the internet and cell phones)
Washing machine (yay for clean laundry!)
Getting notes in the mail
Emails
Family
Thanksgiving dinner (mmm. . . pie, turkey, stuffing, potatoes and gravy. I could go on, but I'm making myself hungry)
Sweet potato pie
My car (Her name is Electra because she's electric red)
My job
My ability to write
Knowledge
Animals (including my dog, Frodo, and my cat, Cleona)
Hot chocolate
Good books
Curling up with one of those good books in front of a fire with that hot chocolate
Cozy nights at home
Girls nights
Chatting with friends
Gardens
Flowers
Wrapping presents (I really enjoy this for some reason)
Traveling
Cute calendars
My Mac (Once you go Mac you'll never turn back ;0)
Co-workers
Cooking
Imagination
Blogging
Journals
My mom

That's just a short list. I could go on, but I want to ask, what are you grateful for. Comment here or post your own list. If you post a list on your blog, link it here so I can see.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. For all those not in the US, still take some time to be grateful. It does wonders for the soul.

I love you all!

Best Ever Chocolate Chip Cookies

I had a request for this recipe on another site, so I thought I'd share with everyone on my blog as well. Enjoy!

3 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 eggs, slightly beaten
2 cups chocolate chips*
1 cup chopped oats (optional)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Sift flour together with baking soda and salt. In a medium bowl, cream butter, sugars, and vanilla. Mix in eggs. Beat in flour mixture, making sure to smooth out any lumps. Stir in chocolate and then oats if using. Drop dough by teaspoonful onto an ungreased baking sheet. Bake 9 to 11 minutes, or until golden.

*Use any combination of chocolate. Milk (or semisweet) with white is delicious. Try dark. Raspberry flavored offers a sweet variation. This recipe also works well with toffee, peanut butter chips, mint chips, you name it. Have fun and try out different combinations.

Notes: The secret to this recipe is adding enough flour. Most chocolate chip recipes don't call for enough, so you get flat, crispy cookies. Add at least 3 1/2 cups flour, but go by the feel of the dough. If it is too sticky or runny, add a bit more flour. If you happen to overdo it on the flour, add in a bit of butter or, in a pinch, some water to thin it a little.

I'm finished!

I did it. I finally did it. Finished my first novel, that is. Aren't you all so proud of me? I'm proud of me.

Just had to share, but if you want to check it out, you can find it here.

Woohoo!!!

Really, I'm fine

People seem to worry that I'm not happy without a husband. Where, may I ask, did this mistaken notion come from that people aren't allowed to be happy if they're not married? I understand that there are joys that come from a family, children, husband, and I since I have none of those, I don't know what I'm missing.

But does that preclude me from being happy while being single? I think not. I'm actually very happy with how my life is going right now. I have a good job, wonderful friends, roommates, and *friends* ( you know who you are), and goals that I'm actively working to accomplish.

One of those goals is nearing completion, or at least part of it. It is really important to me that I finish this book and get it published. Other things can wait—at least for the moment.

I'm sure my time for marital felicity will come, but why worry when there is nothing I can do to control it at the moment? I'm not worried, and I'm really happy with how life is treating me right now.

So to all of those who worry that I'll end up a bitter, lonely spinster—stop it. I'm not worrying, so why should you?

(This is said with appreciation that you love me enough to worry. But, really, I'm fine.)

Crunch time

Only a week left to go before my SCBWI (children's book) conference. I'm asking all you lovely people to visit my book on Authonomy, read the first 3 chapters, and write me a comment with anything that could improve the book.

I'm excited and increasingly nervous about the writing critique. It'll be my first big chance to plug my book to someone who could feasibly get me published. I need all the help I can get, so if you have a few moments to spare, please take a look. I'll love you forever for it.

Call for change

President-elect Obama has issued a call for change in this divided nation. He has asked each of us to give more, sacrifice for the good of others, and seek changes that will not only benefit the United States of America, but the world we all live in.

I sat mesmerized as he spoke of hope, as he thanked all those who voted for change in the way our country functions, as he urged us to become a nation united by common purpose.

Can he do all he promises? Maybe not, but I believe he will gather citizens around him to effect the changes that are necessary. A new order has come to Washington, and I am proud to say I voted for that change.

Yes, we can make a difference. We can change the world. Together, united, we can do anything we dream possible, with peace and hope the most important of those.

President-elect Obama, yes we can change the world, and now we're looking to you to make those first difficult steps. But we'll be there to see you and this nation through the trials that await. Give us hope and courage, and we'll give you our strength and our support.

Yes. We can.

In the land of vampires, I'd be . . .

Okay, so I'm not the biggest Twilight fan, but I thought this little quiz was interesting seeing as many of my friends are huge fans. I must say, I probably am most like Bella. Now I want to see who you would be.

But please, don't ever think I'm as sappily romantic as she is. I would never go on about how gorgeous someone was for 3 pages. If you want to see how I'd write a romance scene, you'll just have to check out Surviving Eden.


Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

Halloween

Getting into my groove

I finally feel like I'm finding my rhythm as a writer. Part of that is because I'm getting away from home to write. I've been going to Starbucks every night for the past few days to write, and it's been wonderful. I write steadily for an hour or so, and then I come home and type it up. I feel so much more productive this way.

And the nicest feeling—at least in this moment—is that I'm nearly done with my first draft. I have about ten more chapters to go, and most of my chapters run between five and ten pages. So, honestly, it's only about 50–100 more pages until this draft is finished. I'll celebrate for a moment, but then it'll be back, but editing this time. I really need to whip the whole thing into shape if I ever want it published.

It's all very exciting. You should all wish me luck. ;)

Too much to write

Okay, some exciting changes. I deleted Surviving Eden's blog (not that anyone ever read it anyway) because it has been replaced by my Authonomy page for it. (You can read it here.) That is also where I've been for the past month. Writing and revising and a whole lot of other things.

I have also been preparing for a writers' conference in November where the first 10 pages of my manuscript will be critiqued by either an editor with Little, Brown or a NY literary agent. That means my social life is on hold until I finish my first draft of the book and get those 10 pages whipped into shape.

I would really appreciate it if all of you would take the time to stop by Authonomy and comment on the first 2 or 3 chapters. All feedback is welcome and appreciated. It will only help me be a better writer.

That's it for tonight, folks. I'm tired and need to go to bed. I hope to hear from you soon.

Ack! It's sucking up my life!

That darn Authonomy! It's just so addicting. I really need to do other things with my time, like, say, actual writing. Oh, well. I'm sure the attraction will fade soon.

In other news, I've signed up for another writer's conference, so I really do need to get the first ten pages of my manuscript in shape. It'll be reviewed there, so it needs to be amazing. Anyone who would like to read it and comment can just step on over to Authonomy and search for Surviving Eden. It would be much appreciated.

My summer in photos

I've been a little negligent lately with blogging, so I thought one great way to catch up will be to post all the photos I took, planning to blog about them, so here we go.

At left, I just liked this photo since it made me think of summer. Isn't it beautiful?

Above right, our garden as it started to explode with life this summer. It's still producing tons of vegetables and fruit (if you count the tomatoes), but it is now winding down for autumn.

Above, we went on a hike in a nearby canyon back in July. It was a nice little place I didn't even know existed. Always great to discover those places.
Above left, I finally got up while water skiing! (For about 30 seconds before I crashed. But hey, at least I did it on my second trip ever trying to water ski.)

Above center and left. Aren't these gorgeous photos of my tent? I just loved the scenery when we were at Flaming Gorge. The only problem? The wind blew like no other on this promontory, so we got a little windswept during the day.
And lastly, but not leastly (I don't think that's really a word. Oh, well.) Yesterday we had a princess party with my niece and three of my roommates nieces. Fun was had all around as we decorated cupcakes during the tea party and later during our ball dancing and viewing of princess films. (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Cinderella were the choices for the day.) So we loaded all the kids up with sugar before sending them home with their parents. Isn't it great to be an aunt?

Me Meme

*3 Joys*
Being out in nature
Good food (Mmmm . . .)
Music

*3 Fears*
Ending up alone
Failure
Drowning

*3 Current Goals*
Get back in shape (not that I've ever been in shape)
Finish my book and get it published
Spend less money

*3 Current Obsessions*
Authonomy
Camping
Gardening

*3 Random Facts About Myself*
I read an average of 50 books a year
I enjoy collecting ceramic creamers
Window shopping is one of my favorite hobbies

My newest obsession: Authonomy

I just found out about this incredible Web site for new authors like me. It's called Authonomy and is run by HarperCollins in England. You can post your book for others to read, as well as read others and recommend them. The top 5 books each month will then be read by editors at HarperCollins, who will give feedback and (as everyone there hopes) a shot at a book contract, if it's good enough.

So, as you've already guessed, I posted Surviving Eden there and have already received one helpful comment. I'd love it if my devoted, though small, blogging audience would wander over there. Take a look, read a little, make some comments, and if you really like it, cast your vote for it. Plus, when you're there, post your own novel and get the process started for yourself.

P.S. Look at this great little cover I created for the book. I know, I know, it's very Twilight-esque, but I had limited choices to work with. Besides, it looks great.

Excuses, excuses

Well, it's time for another update post since I've been such a slacker and haven't blogged in more than a month. One reason, and I promise this isn't an excuse (at least not a good one), is that I've been sick for almost a month. First it was a nasty cold I got after my fun weekend of water skiing. (I actually got up this time, but only seconds before I completely crashed.) That cold lasted a good two weeks before it turned into a serious chest cough. So I'm pretty sure that I have bronchitis. So this Labor Day I'm doing absolutely nothing productive in the hope that enough rest will cure me of this malady. Plus it's raining cats and dogs outside and I couldn't do much anyway.

That's my abbreviated update. I'm planning to get my life back to (relative) normal, so that includes blogging on a much more regular basis. Stay tuned.

My new tent

Isn't it just beautiful! Plus, it's much taller than I am, so no more hokey-pokey while trying to change. I smell camping in the air. Only two more weeks. . .

Letter to a president

Dear President George Washington,

I know it is long since you have gone to your rest after such a stalwart defense of your country, but, Mr. President, this nation stands in more need of your help than ever.

We are engaged in a perilous war that is unlikely to succeed, and that at the high cost of American lives. Were this a just war, as you and your compatriots fought, we would be equably justified. Alas, it it was with deceit that this war was started, and continued error that it is prolonged.

This, therefore, is the reason I write. We need your strength, your courage and fortitude, but most of all we need your diligent observance of all that is just and good.

I read the words that you wrote these many years ago, about freedom, about patriotism, about bravery. It in not only your words that strikes me, however, but your manner of living as you believed to be true.

You were not perfect; no man who has walked this land can lay claim to that. Yet you showed such valor and leadership to your people—our predecessors and ancestors—that they willingly followed.

This, in effect, is what we need now. We need a leader. We need strength in your White House. We need a man of uncommon strength, bravery, virtue, and patriotism. You were one of the first to bear the name patriot in this our American cause. You are not the last, either, but these many patriots now have need of your guidance and especially your experience in leading this nation through troubled times.

You were victorious in your impossible quest for independence. I pray we are as victorious in our efforts to preserve freedom.

I know it impossible to ask you to return to the presidency. You declined it a third time long ago, and for good reason. I would ask you, though, to send some part of your wisdom and judgment to the men who now lead the country. They need your goodness and experience now perhaps more than ever before in our long and glorious—though at times troubled—history.

Be with us now as we seek to right the wrongs of our past and move with righteous fervor toward the future.

Indebtedly yours,

Cordia Amant

Look how my garden grows

I'm so excited that our little garden is thriving! This isn't all of it, either. There's still more squash, cucumbers, zucchini, pumpkins, and cilantro. And look—my baby basil that I grew from seeds—they're growing up now. Aw, I feel so happy.

Letter to my heart

Dearest heart,

You know I appreciate you. Every day you do so much for me. In addition to the all-important task of pumping blood through my veins and keeping me alive, you help me to feel, help me to really live.

There is something I must speak with you about. I know you're sensitive—that is part of your purpose, you know—but I really must take you to task. When I ask you to help me feel something for a man, you do very well at it. Sometimes too well, especially when you take your time about it. It's alright to move slowly, I suppose, but I've come to realize that the longer you take in getting me to feel something, the more powerful it is.

Herein lies the problem. Since you take so long in getting me to love someone, it then takes you much too long to get me back to where I don't feel anything for him.

I understand this is hard for you, too—it is called heartbreak for a reason. So why do you put us both through this? There are so many things I could care deeply about: friends, family, pets. Why must you reserve the strongest emotions for men who—in the end—don't appreciate either of us?

I'm not upset with you. Really I'm not. I just don't like to see you hurt, and caring for a man inevitably leads to pain, in one form or another. Call me jaded, well, perhaps I am, but we've never really had anyone return these wonderful emotions you make me feel for them. It doesn't seem fair.

I'd like to reach a compromise on this. I don't like to chastise you, but I will if I must. The next time I ask you to let me feel something special for a man, please make sure that he is worth it. Not just worth the pain. No, I mean, make sure he will return our affection so you don't break ever again. Could you do that for me—for us? I'd really appreciate it.

There's no point in us getting hurt again, now is there? I hope you will come to see things as I do. It's all for your benefit, really. The less I hurt, the less you hurt. And don't try to talk about risk again. I won't listen if you go on about the necessity of venturing out to find love, even at the risk of pain. I won't hear it. I want risk-free love or none at all. You'll come to understand in time. It's for the best.

Thanks again for all you do. I wouldn't be anything without you.

With all of you, my dear heart,

Cordia

Moved!

Well, I've gotten all the big stuff moved into my new house. It feels so nice to be (almost) done. Now all I have to do with the other place is move my kitchen stuff and clean, clean, clean. (I say that like it's exciting, but it's really not.) I've got the majority of my things moved into my new place, though it still looks messy. All in good time, though.

We're going to head off to a party soon, so I'll say ciao for now, but here's a partial photo of my new digs.

Oy, the heat

Really, must the weather show me so much disdain? All I want is for a lovely spring day with temperatures in the low 80s and instead I get cold and rain for weeks on end before falling into a steady stream of endless heat. I love the summer, really I do, but can't there possible be more than two seasons a year?

My body has really felt off with the seasons lately, though I'm not sure why. Every time I get ready to leave a building, I'm expecting it to be cold enough for me to wear a jacket. Then I walk into a blast of hot air and it takes me a moment to adjust. My brain and body expect one thing, but the world is something completely different.

Not unlike, well, almost everything in my life. I expect one thing, but really it's not that at all. When I was younger, all I wanted was the life of a happy single until I was at least 30. No husband or kids to slow me down. I wanted to jet around the world and be happy with the string of boyfriends I'd leave behind. (Never more than one at a time, though. I do have principles.)

Instead, at the rather young age of 27 all I long for is a home with a good husband and beautiful little children. Don't get me wrong, I still want to travel and see the world while having fun, but my idea of fun has changed slightly since my youth. Sometimes it's just not as much to be alone while seeing the world.

I've been places, seen things, experiences much, but I still don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm getting closer, I think, and I look forward to this move I'm making. I really like the girls I'll be living with, and we get along so well. But it's still not my home.

That's really what I want. Home. Somewhere to belong. A place that is mine. Not just mine—a place for a family that I am a part of.

So in my mind, as I take each step in my life, it's like I'm walking outside expecting warmth and sunshine and summer, only to find that it's still winter and I'm cold and tired of being alone.

Well, at least the weather outside is nice and warm. I'll enjoy it while there's time. Soon enough the cold and snow will be back. But maybe—just maybe—I need to learn to enjoy whatever season of life I'm in, appreciate it for what it is. No use pining for fall when there's fun to be had in the sun.

That's more than enough philosophizing for one night. For now, adieu.

Will Work for Books

I should really be getting to bed, but I noticed how long it's been since my last post and thought I'd share some updates.

Well, BookExpo was excellent. Bigger than I expected, but not totally overwhelming. I also loaded up on the books. Fifty plus that I carried home, as you can see by the massive amount of books spread out on our hotel beds. Those aren't just mine, though. That was between 4 of us, though it really looks like we're ready to open up a used book store.

So now I'm really on book overload. I've been reading much too much the past few weeks, which also explains my blogging absence. At the moment I'm reading the new Obert Skye book Pillage, which will be out later in July. It's so fun to say that I read a book before it was even released for sale. I also got plenty of autographs, including from Sarah Addison Allen, one of my new favorite authors. Sugar Queen, by the way, was a great read. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

In other news, I found a new place to live for this coming year. Wahoo! I'll be moving in July to a house fairly close by. The other three girls are great, and I really get along well with them. One of my new roomies planted a garden already, so I'm going to contribute my little basil babies, plus tonight I went out and bought some other herbs. We're going to plant them all tomorrow. I'm so excited. (Photos to come.)

So things are picking up now. Everything's good. I'm trying not to stress too much at work, but you know how that is. Plus I stress really easy, which is why I have to pamper myself frequently. Okay. I really need to sleep. This is all coming out gibberish now.

I got nothin'

I got most of my stuff packed tonight, which wasn't terribly difficult considering I chose my outfits a couple of weeks ago. Pathetic, I know, but I tend to get really excited about things. It's so nice to think that I only have to do my regular, day-to-day work two days this week. So that means my traditional workweek is half over. Wahoo!

So, really, I've got nothing to report. I just wanted to post something.

P.S. Enjoy the tunes. I'll randomly change them to whatever is my favorite listening pleasure at the moment. The songs are rather random as well. My music selection probably says something very interesting about me, but I have no idea what that is. I'm open to any suggestions you might have. Feel free to comment on my song selection (and especially what it means about my personality). I'm interested to hear what people think.

Time needs to fly!

This week is going by so slowly, only because there's something I'm really looking forward to next week. And what, you ask, could be so exciting about my deathly dull life?

BookExpo!

Now, for those of you not in the know, this is only the biggest gathering of publishers, writers, editors, librarians—basically anyone who has anything to do with books—in the country. It's actually the second largest in the world, with the London Book Fair taking top marks, but I'll take what I can get since my company isn't likely to pay for a lowly editor to fly to London. (Worse for them, I say. I know my way around London. I can carry things. They really should have me go.)

Anyway, at this wonderful gathering of all things books, there will be loads of free stuff . . . like books, for example. Free books? Yes, free books. It's like they're offering me free heroin from the top producers in the world.

Not only am I getting paid to attend, I'll be hobnobbing with the authors as well probably only for the 15 seconds it takes to scribble their names, but hey, I'm not picky.

The reason I mention all this is because that is where my head has been since I got back from camping and where it will firmly stay planted until the euphoria of my chosen drug has faded—most likely several weeks later when I've finished reading most of my hoard of books.

So if you don't hear from me, I'm probably reading. If you do, it's more than likely I'll be blogging about books that haven't even been released yet. Are you jealous yet? I can keep going if you're not. Christopher Paolini, Cornelia Funke, Neil Gaiman, Salman Rushdie, Eoin Colfer, Sarah Addison Allen, Anita Shreve. Just some of the many wonderful people I plan to meet.

Okay, I'll stop gloating now. I'm just so excited. But I should probably tone it down a bit or my co-workers will end up drugging me with sleeping pills like they've already threatened.

Only one week to go till BookExpo. Wahoo!

P.S. Anyone who knows me personally is welcome to borrow any of the books I bring back on the condition that it is not permanent borrowing, and you'll probably have to wait until I've read it first. Plus there's already a waiting line for some of the books. Boy this is fun. I feel like a dragon perched atop my hoard of gold and treasures. Or at least dreaming of it. Sigh. One more week. How will I make it that long?

These films may be lesser-known, but they are great

I've been doing a lot of movie watching lately. Well, that and t.v. series watching, which is like movies because you watch several episodes straight through but better because there's more than one movie's worth of entertainment if you're watching several seasons worth. The interesting thing about many of these shows, and especially many of my favorites, is that they aren't terribly common, and many are foreign (to the U.S., at least). So for this week, I'd like to list 13 of the best shows and movies you may not know about.

1. Dae Jang Geum. I love this show. I just love it and can't say it enough. Although it is subtitled and still in the original Korean, it is one of the best dramas I have ever seen. No joke. Anyone who can get their hands on a copy of this t.v. series had best do it or she'll be missing out. (As a bonus, there's plenty of eye-candy for both sexes.)

2. Monarch of the Glen. A friend told me this is actually a Scottish soap opera, but it is nothing like those we have here in the states. I love this show, with it's eclectic brand of humor and drama all mixed into one. I still have a season or two to go till I reach the end, but it's absolutely wonderful.

3. The Pretender. Taking this show off the network television several years ago was a tragedy. Unfortunately the story has never had a real conclusion, though I know TNT produced a few t.v. movies that furthers the storyline. I want to rewatch all of it, in sequence this time, just to enjoy the mystery of it all.

4. Roar. I fell in love with this show during its one and only season. Travesty, I say, considering the star of this Irish-Celtic drama was none other than recently fallen star Heath Ledger at the young age of 16. My teenage heart afluttered watching this one. Plus I love anything and everything dealing with that time period.

5. Rosemary & Thyme. What could be more British than a drama involving murder mysteries and gardening. It's thoroughly enjoyable, but I often wonder as I watch how two gardeners could find so many dead bodies in the course of their work.

6. Red Green. This series is of a completely different sort. Think Canada, backwoods, lazy men and duct tape. It's really hysterical and very much in the vein of Strange Brew.

7. Red Dwarf. Saturday nights at my house used to be filled with Red Green and this zany British comedy. Set in space, and with completely fake special effects that only added to the charm, this series brought tears of laughter to my eyes on many occasions.

8. The 10th Kingdom. I really enjoyed this cheesy t.v. miniseries about some New Yorkers that get stuck in another magical realm where fairytales are real. It's just fun to watch. The best scene in the whole thing has to be when Snow White explains how she was tricked by her evil stepmother. That scene always gives me the chills, it's so good.

9. Tin Man. Another t.v. miniseries, but this time produced by the Sci-Fi Network. I know what you're probably thinking, and I thought the same thing, but it really is a fun twist on The Wizard of Oz. The acting could use some help in parts of the movie, but I really enjoyed the main character, played by Zooey Deschamel.

10. Hero. This is my favorite of the Chinese movies that have come to the world, a la Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The cinematography of this film is absolutely incredible. The costumes and scenes are choreographed in gorgeous monochromatic tones. I really need to watch this again.

11. Daniel Deronda. I'll admit, I have a thing for curly haired men with accents. Hugh Dancy does not disappoint in this film based on the George Eliot novel. It is a beautiful story filled with beautiful people.

12. North and South. This wasn't my favorite film to start off, but by the end I was hooked. By far, the last scene in the movie is the best. I had to rewind it again and again. Oh, how beautiful. (It comes from the novel by Elizabeth Gaskell, another British literary luminary.)

13. Jane Eyre. I could go on all night listing my favorite BBC dramas—much more than 13, I can guarantee—but I'll end with this one. The reason I say this isn't as well known is because I prefer the 1983 version starring former Bond, Timothy Dalton. The sets are sparse, but the acting is amazing.

Bonus: Although I haven't seen either of these, I really want to and have heard they are both incredible. The first, Amelie, heralds from France and is supposed to be one of the best movies ever. Remind me, why haven't I seen this yet?

Second is a t.v. series from across the channel in England called Robin Hood. There have been many incarnations of this story, but I'm told this is one of the best. Now I have to wait for Blockbuster to start carrying them. Sigh.

I'd love to hear about your lesser-known favorites. I'm always looking for a new addiction.

Can you tell me who I am, Jane?

My dearest Jane,

I have not had the pleasure of making your acquaintance, yet I am intimately familiar with your work and your life. You are a woman of limitless passion and hope.

As I read your stories, and especially as I see the productions of your work on screen, I wonder where I would fit in. Time and again I see the romantic lives of the women you created and wish I were one of them.

Could you tell me, darling Jane, if I could be Elizabeth? I admire her very much and want to be like her in every particular. She is carefree and lovely, sure of herself and her place in the world. Elizabeth succeeds in wedding a man of uncommon character because she stayed true to her own. But I am not like her, at least not in the essential aspects. I care too much of what others think of me and hope beyond all reasonable belief that a man will come to sweep me off to his rather large estate. No, I am no Elizabeth.

Catherine, then? I am mired in a world of my own creating, living in fantasy and faerie when I should be firmly based in reality. Her fairytale became her life, though, when Henry Tilney stepped into it. My life is still all dreams, so I must not be her.

Sadly, I may be more like Fanny than any of the others. Destined to wait for the man I love to realize that I've been there all along. No. I thought I was Fanny once, but my Edmund married his Mary Crawford, much to my devastation. I tried to have Fanny's patience, but even that didn't suffice in the end.

I very well could be Eleanor. Solid and immovable, a support to my family, but ultimately unlucky in love. Except Eleanor finally realized her dearest dreams. She put others first, and time moved ever so slowly, but happiness did come for her in the end.

I am decidedly no Emma. I have not her passion for matchmaking, though I am sure I would have as much skill at it as she. She is young, innocent, and endlessly loving, but still I am not like her.

Who am I then, Jane? I read your novels and love the women who inhabit them. I wish I could be one of them, with my own happy ending waiting for the last chapter of the book. I want my Edward, my Mr. Knightly, Mr. Darcy or Captain Wentworth. I want the man who realizes that I am of inestimable value and can't live another day without making me his own. Will it ever happen? Will it, Jane?

After all the stories you told—of romance, of intrigue, of love—your story ended in solitude. You died a spinster, much like I am now. Am I to be you then, Jane?

I know not how my story will end. Do you know how it will all end for me?

Even though I have not much hope now, I can remember that Eleanor waited without hope for her Edward and sweet Anne waited eight years for her Captain Wentworth. Fanny spent nearly a lifetime pining for her Edmund. Maybe I can wait a while longer to find my own love.

With warmest regards,

Michelle

Blah blah blah

Blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

Blah.

Sometimes that is all I feel like I ever say. Blah. Blah blah blah. I'm sure all that most people hear coming out of my mouth (or coming from this blog) is the whah-whah-whah of Charlie Brown's schoolteacher.

Maybe not that drastic, but I'm really not feeling eloquent lately, which is probably why I haven't blogged much.

So for now, it'll be a bit more blah blah until I get back into the swing of things. When that will happen, I know not. (Maybe I'll just write like Yoda and then people will think that smart I am.)

Criticism—but the good kind

I had completely forgotten to check back on a submission I made to a wonderful little blog run by Evil Editor. He helps out poor saps, like me, who think they can write by bringing them spectacularly down to earth (with the help of his Evil Minions, of course).

A few weeks ago I sent him the opening few paragraphs of Surviving Eden, hoping to receive some constructive criticism. I definitely received plenty of that. You can read the post and comments here. What with my birthday and camping, it slipped my mind to check back if it had been posted yet. It has (by a few weeks). Oops.

Now I can't wait to get my fingers back on the keyboard and make some important and necessary changes. Progress . . . isn't it sweet?

An ideal trip? Not so much

Camping was great. Nothing really went according to plan, but when does it ever? We headed farther south than we had wanted because everywhere else was below freezing at night. And since there weren't any guys going with us, cuddling would have definitely been out of the question.

Where we ended up, though, near St. George, was gorgeous with blue skies and not a cloud to mar the view. Heaven on earth, I say.

After that first day, though, things went downhill fast. We got kicked out of our campsite. (Don't even ask. We're still bitter about that.) Luckily we found another one near a beautiful little lake. But then we couldn't find any good hikes in the area. By that time we were so frustrated we just spent the rest of the day wading in the ice-cold lake and playing Skip Bo.

All in all, I had a lot of fun, but I think my friend was really frustrated. We definitely learned some good lessons, though.

1) Plan a little bit better before we get there.
2) Have several good backup plans in case things go wrong, which they probably will.
3) Don't trust the camp hosts when they leave a note on the campsite saying it's open.
4) Keep a first-aid kit handy when hiking, as I learned when I had an allergic reaction to a plant. Lucky for me I'd just bought one and decided to stick it in my camelback, just in case.

I am happy that I got away for a few days. No work, beautiful weather, good book, yummy food. It was great. I'm learning to be better at going with the flow and not freaking out when crap happens. It usually does, so why worry? Now that is one very important lesson to learn.

Quick notes

Getting the flu really knocks me out for a few days. I'm feeling better now, but I'm still pretty tired. I really should be getting to bed, but there are a couple things I wanted to write.

First off, I'm going camping this week. We had to change our plans slightly since everywhere we wanted to go will be freezing at night—literally. So we're headed farther south than originally planned, but it will still be fun. I'll be gone several days, so don't worry if you don't hear from me. Ha. Like anyone worries anyhow.

I just have to say that I've just finished watching the very last episode of my new favorite TV series. It's a show from Korea called Dae Jang Geum, and it is so incredible. I'm sort of sad that it's all over, but oh, the love story in it is one of the best I've ever seen. I just wanted to yell at the screen on multiple occasions, "Just kiss her, you fool!"

Ah, it's so wonderful. I need to find me a man like Sir Min. Now I know it's hard to find, but if you can ever get your hands on a copy of the series, watch it. You will become so addicted that life will soon seem dull by comparison. I'm pretty sure most people's lives are dull compared to Jang Geum's.

That's all for tonight, but I just had to let everyone know that my dream man lives in Korea and probably doesn't even speak English. Besides the fact that although he was a real person, he lived several centuries ago and was only portrayed by an actor on TV. Sigh. Well, as long as I have sweet dreams tonight, it'll be okay.

Ah, the memories

My friend and wonderful co-worker has tagged me for a rather interesting meme. And since my birthday is this Saturday (I will be accepting any form of presents, cash or check included), it is a very apt time to look back on my life thus far.

20 years ago: I would have probably been getting a birthday party ready for myself. My mom probably baked a cake (it would have been before I had to make my own.) It may very well have been the year she tried to make a piñata that exploded in the oven as she was trying to dry it. I was very sad that there wasn't a piñata for my birthday. I've always wanted one . . .

10 years ago: Most likely I'd be performing in my high school musical—chorus, of course. It was Pirated Penzance that year, and I was a policewoman. Not my favorite part, by far, but fun all the same. Other than that, school and taking care of my pesky little brothers.

5 years ago: Wow. In 2003 I was on my mission and had been there for a good six months. It was finally spring in Montreal, and I was the senior companion training my greenie, who I got after a good three months out in the field. That was a crazy time. I can't believe it's been five years already. (Note: Anyone who isn't Mormon and wants an explanation, leave me a comment.)

3 years ago: I was working at the student newspaper. I also had just started an internship with a small LDS book publisher (unpaid, of course). That was a very busy time—class, work, homework, more work, and then enough time to play with my roommates. Ugh, and finals would probably have been that week. Even with all that, college was so much fun.

1 year ago: Last year I had just found a job working for my current company and was more than a little weirded out by the barn and the sheep and all the cats. My new co-workers were an interesting lot as well, but I've learned to love ’em. For several weeks I was working both jobs, the current and also finishing up working as a copy editor at a major local newspaper. Let's just say I had time to eat, sleep, and work, and that was it.

So far this year: So far this year I got a promotion and a raise, and I've been getting better and better at my work, as well as more comfortable with my job responsibilities. I've also been working hard on my book, trying to finish up the first draft, which is coming along well. Dating, not so much. Having fun, always.

Yesterday: I went shopping for my dad's birthday present, and then I wrapped his and my niece's presents (his birthday a week after mine, and she was born on my birthday four years ago). But I didn't just wrap them. I went all out, with ideas from a ribbon book that we're publishing at work. I'll have to post pictures of them, they're so cute. And while I was out shopping for others, I ended up with, ahem, some things for myself. I mean, honestly, how can I pass up $5 shirts?

Today: Church was at 2 p.m. today, so I got to sleep in. Heavenly. I also came up with a brilliant plan for what I want to do on my birthday. Picnic, anyone? The weather is supposed to be delicious that day, so I think it will be the perfect thing. Oh, and I finished reading A Little Princess, which only made me cry a little.

Tomorrow: It's back to work. Why do the weekends all seem to fly by so quickly? Then I'll head to the gym after (if I'm being good, which is always debatable). I'll probably finish up the day by working on my book.

This year: I plan to finish writing my book, drafts, revisions and all. Then get an agent who will get my book published. Nothing too difficult. It would also be nice if I met the man of my dreams who will sweep me off my feet and love me forever and ever. Either that or a nice, decent guy who kinda likes me and who I could see myself marrying. I'm open to anything, at this point.

Oh, and you're tagged, if you feel so inclined.

Busy, busy

I've been busy this past week, which is why I've neglected my little bloggie. I had an idea a while ago to write (sort of) a book journal. I presented the idea to my company, but since we don't publish journals, they passed on the idea. They did, however, tell me to pursue it with another publisher who might be interested in the idea. 

So that's what I've been doing this week, sending out book proposals to different companies. More than likely I'll end up with a slew of rejection letters, but if someone is interested, that'll be great for me.

In other news . . . well, there really is no other news. Except, my sister is moving back here in a few weeks, so that'll be good. Our whole family will all be together—at the same time—for the first time in years. 

Plus I get to go camping in 2 weeks, which I am very excited about. My camping buddy and I are getting things ready to go, and I bought a cooler today. Slowly my arsenal of camping gear is growing. 

Between the two of us, though, we've got everything we need. It's usually pretty funny when we start on a trip: "Shoot! I forgot plates." "Oh, I've got those, but I forgot to bring garbage bags." "No worries, I've got plenty." And so it goes until we figure that we've got everything we need. 

My next big camping purchase, though, is going to be a tent. I think I'll save up to get a good one, and at least a 5-man tent, because we all know they accommodate 1 less person than they say they do. That way I can invite 3 friends along and we'll all be comfy.

I'm also trying to plan more trips this summer because we all know there's only so much sunshine and perfect weather each year and I have to enjoy it as much as is humanly possible.

I guess I did have more news. Oh well, I lied.

Seeing someone? Ha, that's funny

You know, sometimes I think it might be nice if I actually went out on dates fairly frequently, or as one friend put it, more than the once a year quota. Not to say that I'm desperate for a boyfriend/husband, but it could be a nice change from my constant singles status.

Now I know I'm not ugly—not by a long shot. But neither am I absolutely gorgeous. That doesn't mean there aren't guys out there who aren't or wouldn't be interested in me. They just never ask me out!

I don't know what the problem is. Well, I do know of one problem. Most of the guys in this state are more interested in hanging out with girls than actually asking them out on dates. It's rather frustrating when perfectly nice guys will talk to you every time they see you but never once take the chance of going out on a date. Even if nothing happens, you'll never know until you try.

Oh, well. I'm not worried about ending up a bitter, lonely old maid. I already am one. (Just kidding!) In all honesty, I know whatever will happen will happen, and definitely not when I want it to. I just think it would be nice to have fun going out on dates, oh say, on a bi-annual basis.

My own little tutu

It was a hit at work today. What, you ask? My Pavlova. Now I know most people have no idea what that is, or even what type of thing it is. Actually, it's a dessert. A very tasty one.

The name actually comes from a famed ballet dancer, Anna Pavlova. When she visited New Zealand and Australia on a world turn early last century, an industrious chef created this light concoction and named it after her. The name is apt considering it looks very much like a tutu.

It is a type of meringue, and very easy to make, though it looks spectacular when finished. The meringue is topped with whipped cream and then raspberries and kiwi. That, at least is the traditional topping, but after some discussion at work we decided everything from strawberries to chocolate to raspberry pie filling would all work incredibly well on top of the whipped cream.

That said, here is the recipe I made last night, which I adapted from Culinary Concepts.

1/2 cup whole hazelnuts, divided

4 egg whites at room temperature

1 cup sugar

1 teaspoon white vinegar

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 tablespoon cornstarch

Whipped cream

1 kiwi, sliced thinly

1 small container fresh raspberries

Heat the oven to 375 degrees F. Toast the hazelnuts for 7 to 10 minutes and then remove the skins by rubbing vigorously with a kitchen towel. Place 1/4 cup hazelnuts in a food processor and grind finely. You will need 1/4 cup ground nuts for the recipe, so grind more in needed to get 1/4 cup.

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Beat the egg whites with an electric mixer until they are stiff. Slowly beat in the sugar with the mixer at medium. Then add the vinegar, vanilla, and cornstarch on low. Fold in the ground nuts.

Pile the mixture onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Smooth the top an

d sides as evenly as possible without flattening; it will do so naturally as it cooks. Bake for 45 minutes, then turn off the oven and allow to cool in the oven for at least 2 hours or overnight.

Carefully slide onto a serving plate. Spread the top of the Pavlova with plenty of whipped cream. Using a piping bag, decorate with rosettes, forming a ring around the outside edge. Decorate the center with sliced kiwi, then place a ring of raspberries around the kiwi. Finish by placing the remaining whole hazelnuts on each of the whipped cream rosettes.

Decorate Pavlova as close to serving as possible since the Pavlova will become soggy from the whipped cream. It will also become chewy if refrigerated for longer than 3 hours.

I wish I had a picture of the Pavlova I made to share with you, but somehow the camera on my phone didn't save the picture I took even though I told it to. Technology, grrr. . . The one in the picture actually has pomegranates on it, which just goes to show how versatile this dessert really is.

TT 21 Foolproof ways to annoy your roommates

Hmm. . . how can I annoy my roommates. Let's think.

1. Leave food out on the counter to rot for several weeks.

2. Be the first one to shower in the morning: use all the hot water and shower for well over half an hour so everyone else is late. This works especially well if there is only one bathroom and everyone else is dying as they try to find a potted plant.

3. Use all your roommates dishes, then leave them dirty in the sink for over a month.

4. Keep a pile of dirty clothes as large as your bed on the floor so there's nowhere to walk.

5. Start the washing machine, which is broken so it makes loud banging noises as it washes, right as your roommate is about to fall asleep.

6. Decorate the apartment with horribly kitschy items so your roommates are embarrassed to show people where they live.

7. Don't pay your part of the bills, then get mad and act like you already did when they ask for the money.

8. Leave hair and makeup spills all over the bathroom counter.

9. Never clean the toilet or shower.

10. Eat all your roommates ketchup and never replace it. Then act like you don't know who would have used it all.

11. Claim your roommates movies and cds as your own as you are moving so they don't realize they're gone until it's too late.

12. Demand that everyone in the apartment be completely silent whenever you watch tv or a movie, which is most of the time.

13. Try to hit on your roommate's brother and hint that if your roommate was a good friend, they'd set you up. Also, loudly proclaim that if you like any guy your roommates had better back off, even if the guy has absolutely no interest in you.

That's just a sampling of all the joyous experiences you can have with roommates. There are many fun moments in between, but enough of the items listed above will create more than enough roommate drama for anyone.

Now, this list applies specifically to women, but I'm sure many of these translate for both sexes. I've had the misfortune to experience all of these (and have probably been the perpetrator of several). They are guaranteed to drive everyone around you absolutely mad.

Goals, part 3

Okay, so I got a little off my goals. Not completely, mind you, but I need to get everything back on track. The easiest way for me to do that is blog about it because then other people know and I can't pretend I don't have goals that way.

The biggest one I noticed today was my little problem with spending too much money. I love to shop, I really do, but instead of window shopping lately I've been buying things. I have a wonderful excuse for everything I've purchased, but no more.

I have to be good, and that means borrowing books and movies from the library instead of buying them. I don't need any more makeup or hair products, either since I have more than enough. Replacing something is allowed, but only if it is essential. Bringing lunch to work instead of eating out or buying something frozen will also keep my budget trimmed.

So the moral of all this is that I need to stop giving in so much and be more disciplined. Which leads to my next goal. I'm actually doing fairly good about eating better, but I need to continue with that. I also planned to work out six days a week. More often than not that translates into three or four days. I need to be a little more diligent, but if my dance audition last night is any indication of how hard I'll be working on the musical, I should be in good shape.

The last big goal of mine was to finish writing the first draft of my book by the end of March. Yeah, that didn't happen. So my new goal is a continuation of the previous one—finish the first draft by the end of April. I'm a lot closer now than I was at the beginning of March since I did have a couple good weeks where I was writing every day. Then I got sick and slacked off, though I can't remember in which order.

All of this, my friends, comes down to the same thing: discipline. I need it. A lot of it.

New life

As we learned earlier, I have a need to change things around come spring. This change comes in the form of a new skin for my little bloggie. I hope you like it, since I really do. I've finally gotten away from those boring templates offered by Blogger and into something more creative and lively.

Which kind of reminds me of the sparkly, lipstick-red dress I had to wear tonight as part of my audition/callbacks for Beauty and the Beast. (Not really, but I thought it was a nice sequeway.) Let's just say, I really hope I get picked to perform in the kick line. I have a lot of work to do to get my kicks high enough and my splits low enough, but oh, it was so much fun learning that dance tonight. Sadly, I won't find out which part I got until Monday.

I'm sure I'll be thinking about my audition a lot the next few days as my muscles scream and my knees turn a violent shade of purple. So much fun, though. I've missed this, performing and such. I'm excited for the next few months. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy myself.

Sick with the travel bug

So, I'm getting tired of sticking in the same place, probably because of the winter. I don't travel much when it's cold and snowy outside, though that would probably be the best time to get away somewhere warm.

Anyway, I'm planning a few small weekend trips, camping in two weeks, then again three weeks after that, and then a month later I'm going to Book Expo America. Yes, my friends, work is paying for me to fly to L.A. so I can wander around a giant convention center filled with books, publishers, authors, and everything else you can possibly imagine that is book related. Let's just say I'm a touch excited, especially when I found out about all the free books and other goodies I'm hearing about. Can we say heaven? It makes me sigh to think of it. (Plus the added bonus of schmoozing with book people for, say, a still-unfinished book that I hope to get published some day soon. Yeah, it's a good thing.)

The thing that got me thinking of all this, though, is that I haven't gone off on a grand adventure in some time. I really want to get far away somewhere for several days. Somewhere new and exciting, and most importantly, somewhere I can explore and get totally lost in. I'd signed up for a beautiful little credit card that accrues sky miles, and I'm now at 20,000—only 5,000 more to go before I can get a free trip anywhere in the continental U.S. I was sad when I realized Hawaii wouldn't be included in that.

But that still leaves plenty of other places for me to explore. There's the South, which always sounds so interesting to me. There are several authors I've been working with from Georgia and the Carolinas, and I think those would be fun places to spend some time, especially along the coast. Then there's New York, a given for an incredible time.

I'm ruling out anywhere I can drive, so the West is out. But that still leaves New England, and oh, in the fall it would be incredible. So many places, but I can't decide. Plus, I'll need a traveling buddy because I won't go alone—that would get old very quickly—so I'll have to pick a place where someone would want to travel with me.

I've still got plenty of time to think about it, though, since I'm still a good four months away from accruing enough miles. Until then, I'll take my little weekend trips and enjoy the sights closer to home. And maybe if I have a lot of will power, I'll save them all up for a trip to Europe. That probably won't happen, though, since I'd have to double the miles needed. I'm just not patient enough for that.

When is cheating really cheating?

Does cheating on my hair stylist make me an adulteress? It feels like it. I have this burning guilt in my chest, not because I cheated this once. That, in my view, is fairly excusable since I was fed up with my bulky, wild hair. No, I had to get it taken care of immediately—for my sanity—and contacting my regular stylist can turn into a complicated, never-ending game of phone tag.

I feel guilty because, deep down, I really want to cheat again. No, not just cheat again. I want to divorce my current stylist so I can move on to the new one. (I must say, she did a great job with my hair tonight.) But instead of fessing up that I want to change stylists, I'm thinking of just not going to the old one anymore. Does that make me cruel?

Problem with this whole scenario is that my hair stylist has been a friend for a long time and has been cutting my hair since I was in high school. I really would feel bad about hurting her feelings by not going to her anymore. I just liked having someone cut my hair who was the same age as me. The new girl is up on current trends and doesn't cut my hair like I'm someone much older—and less in tune with modern styles.

It's all so complicated. I'm wondering, as a possible solution, if I could rotate hairstylists. Does that work, or would my friend know someone else has touched my hair, just like a wife can smell another woman's perfume on her husband's shirt? Ah! I don't know. Well, I have six weeks to think it over and decide. No need to feel guilty. Not at all.

Happy early birthday to me!

It's still a month away, but I couldn't wait any longer. It's a yearly ritual now—after years of not getting much for my birthday from anyone else, I decided to get myself a birthday present. That way I'm never disappointed because I always get exactly what I want. Last year was my first iPod; the year before a digital camera. This year, instead of new technology, I decided to update my bedroom.

Yes, my friends, I've got a new bed set, bookshelf, clock, lamp, decorations, etc. I had a little too much fun shopping (when I say "too much fun" it usually means I spent more than I should), but I'm so excited to put it all together.

I've been bored with my life for a while now. I think in big part, it's the winter doldrums. Come spring, I'm ready for a new life, new . . . something. So this year, my new __ (fill in the blank)__ is a new look for my living space. I can't do much about the rest of my apartment since my roommate has already decorated it (I won't even get into how tacky—I mean, different—her sense of decor is). That leaves my bedroom. Instead of only being the place where I sleep at night, it will now become my sanctuary from the world. I plan to enjoy every moment in that room (and there is nothing dirty implied).

I know you'll all want to see just how it looks, so after I put it all together, I'll update this post with a picture so everyone can enjoy my new haven.

Update: Here's a photo of my beautiful new room. I still have some work to do on the walls, which are rather bland, but otherwise it looks nice. Only downfall to the new comforter is that it is jacard, i.e. dry-clean only. I'll just have to be careful.

I need sleep

I'd like to sit here and blog for a while but, alas, yet again I am too tired to think. I did get some sleep last night, though, after the sleeping pills I took kicked in. I bought some after work because I was not going to go through another night like the one before—staring at the ceiling and walls for 8 stinking hours trying to fall asleep. (Not really, I had my eyes closed the whole time willing myself to sleep, but you get my drift.)

I always forget how long it takes my body to get back to normal after a missed night of sleep. Too long, I say. There should be some magic fix for this, or at least some other kind of pill I can pop. So yes, tonight I am vegging out, watching some flicks and going to bed early. Sleeping pills, anyone?

TT20 Things I've left unsaid

So I only got 1 hour sleep last night (new medication's and their side effects, grrr. . . ), so if this isn't completely lucid, you understand. I did, however, write this a few weeks ago, so it should be fairly coherent. (I also stole this idea from Sognatrice at Bleeding Espresso.)

And since I can't think of a better intro, here are thirteen things I've left unsaid:

1…. You never even tried to love me.

2…. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.

3…. It's not all about you.

4…. Stop judging me.

5…. I wish you were still here for me. I need you.

6…. Just look at me!

7…. Could you ever love me?

8…. Let me finish—stop interrupting!

9…. Get over yourself.

10…. I need you more than I'll ever admit.

11…. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be.

12…. Oh, grow up.

13…. Sometimes I just want everyone to leave me alone.

*If you know me personally and are reading this: I promise, I never thought any of these things at you.

Life lessons from Dr. Seuss

Sometimes, I really don't know what I'm feeling. At times there are so many emotions coursing through my beleaguered brain that I can't separate one from the other. Then there are moments when I can't actually place a finger on what I feel. I'm in one of the latter moods at the moment.

It's not necessarily a bad feeling, more a curiosity on my part. Sometimes I seem to feel everything, but sometimes I feel almost nothing. Maybe I'm alone in this. I don't think so, but it's not something that is easily described, so most people don't try.

There's a lot about myself that I don't understand. After much emotional turmoil in my past, I've tried hard to figure out who I am. I've come to realize that I am one big ball of complexity. I can be gentle and kind, angry and explosive, shy and quiet, outgoing and emotive. Of all the people who should know me best, I often know the least.

I may never figure out all the little quirks and idiosyncrasies about myself, but at least I'm trying. An important part of my quest to figure myself out is my desire to like what I find. I don't always, but if I did I wouldn't be human.

There are things about myself that I'll never share with another human being because of fear or shame. But there are other parts of myself I wish everyone would come to know and love. I've come to look deep inside at all that is there: good, bad, painful, and beautiful. I still need to keep looking.

I've yet to figure out who I am at the core, but I feel good with what I've found so far. As Dr. Seuss says, it is better to be me than a can or a ham or even a bottle of jam.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you."

And that is a good thing. A very good thing.

Goals, cont.

I am still computerless, but I decided that since I have to puppy-sit today (because my dad and stepmom are in Argentina) I'll spend the afternoon working on their computer.

I also have a new goal, one I would have shared with all of you sooner (stupid computer!). I decided a week ago that i just need to get up and moving with my book. No more procrastinating, no more stressing or overanalyzing. This month I am going to finish the first draft of my book.

I got the idea from a writing book at Barnes and Noble, which shared some very helpful hints on writing a novel in 30 days. The biggest of those, for me at least, was to just write. Don't worry about tangents, don't fret over character or plot development. Those things are all important, but not as important as just writing it all down. (One good trick is to keep a sheet of paper handy to jot down things you want to develop later and where you want to stick them, then forget about it and move on with the writing.)

The flow of writing is key to getting it all done within a month. I'm not going to worry as much about the little details, and I can go through and clean up the phrasing later. The most important thing for me now is to get it all down on paper (and then into the computer).

I've also decided that I need a special treat after these 31 days are up, whether or not I finish everything. I don't know what that will be yet, but I need some little carrot in front of me to motivate me to keep going.

So far I've done pretty well. Yesterday I took the evening off to play, but I'm limiting my activities, otherwise. My goal is to write a chapter a day, six days a week. That's very feasible considering most of my chapters are around 10 pages or less. I'm doing well with it: three chapters in three days.

Honestly, it's getting easier the more I do it. Hopefully my efforts now will translate into better working habits for the future.

So if I don't blog much, even after I get my new computer, this is the reason why. Which means I need to stop procrastinating and get to writing. I'm hoping to get caught up today from yesterday since I've the whole afternoon/evening in front of me--without interruption.

We're all sick

This has been a very long few weeks. First I get sick, then get better, only to be sick again. And then when I think it's all passed, I get sick. Again. I'm pretty sure it was the flu, in all its wonders, even though I got the flu shot, and even though I got sick from said shot a few weeks after. They guessed wrong on the flu this year, and I get to suffer for it. Let's just say it hasn't been a pleasant time, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get a flu shot again. I'm jaded by experience, what can I say.

In other news, my computer is sick as well. It seems that the connection between the screen and the computer (which is built into the monitor) is bad. So I'm having them send me a new refurbished computer because if this thing is already having problems, I don't want to think of what is to come.

That said, I probably won't be around much this week seeing as I won't have a computer. I'm just praying it will get resolved quickly, but if my hour-long conversation with several people at Apple trying to get them to send me a new computer is any gauge, I could be in for problems. Grrr . . .

P.S. I'm looking for suggestions on reading, but not just any book. At the moment I'm in the mood for a light, nice, romantic tale, preferably set in the present day in the U.S. or European country. Specific, I know, but I'm in one of those moods where nothing else seems to hit the spot. A few books I've read recently that fit the bill are Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allan, Stardust by Neil Gaimon, and I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, to name a few. (These are all excellent books if you haven't read them, by the way.)

Please ease my suffering and give me suggestions. Something along these lines or a book that is utterly fantastic that I just have to read. I will be in your debt. (Sorry, it's late and I'm getting dramatic. It happens.)

Epiphany

I've been going about it all wrong, for nearly all of my life, really. I always thought I had to be a perfect writer, a prodigy, a genius at the age of twenty-seven. One who never makes a mistake or inserts a comma in the wrong place. Oh, how that perfectionist and proud fool in me has hindered my work.

I was reading this evening in my latest acquisition, a book on writing called The Writing Life. Really, a collection of essays written by some of the greatest writers and minds of our time. I've been struck by their language, their seemingly effortless way of crafting words into thoughts of incomparable beauty. How I long to write like that!

Then I realized, after reading the words of Joanna Trollope, that I'm going at it backward: I can't expect myself to be perfect in writing because my pride is causing me to stumble. "But what [writers] forget," she says " . . . is that the writers who last, the writers whose writing is indeed their monument, not only have an essential benevolence, a fundamental affection for the human race, but also, more uncomfortably, possess a hefty dose of humility. Most writers—all but a very few in fact—are translators, not inventors, of language, and of life."

Even while writing this post, I mentally stumble over how I can place the words that would make it perfect, that would let people see how, in my humility, I possess the talent necessary to be a literary genius. But it is not so. I am no genius. I'm human, imperfect, and as flawed as anyone else. The only difference is I have a knack for writing, which doesn't even come from myself.

If I expect perfection in my writing I'll never attain it. It's a conundrum I'm finally seeing. I have to accept that my writing will have major flaws. That's okay. I won't say it perfectly every time. But if I keep at it, keep working without the expectation of mastering the art of the English language before I even reach my thirtieth birthday, then maybe—maybe—I might get somewhere, maybe even somewhere important.

But I have to stop trying to write the Great American Novel. I have to quelch those daydreams of winning the Pulitzer or, goodness knows, being the youngest writer to capture the Nobel Prize. It's not going to happen, folks, so deluding myself—even only in my dreams—is hurting me with false pretenses of grandeur.

Humility. I really need to work on that. I also need to work on not knowing everything, or even pretending I do. I've noticed some of my characters speak as if they have the wisdom of the ancients, but they don't, not really. All they have is the collected experiences of my still young life. Honestly, it's good to share with others the things I've learned, but I can't pretend anymore that I can solve the world's problems with a few well-placed words.

What I can do is tell a story. I can share what's in my heart. I can pour my passions and hungers, my pains and hopes out onto the page, and if someday someone decides that what I have to say matters to them, I've done more than I could ever hope to accomplish.

This can't be about me or my ego anymore. It has to be about the words and the sounds they make as I write them out on the page. And about the need to write, to get these thoughts and feelings down on the page so they finally make sense to me.

No more pride, only acceptance that I can only do so much. And that much, for me, is writing.

Six Confessions

Well, I've been tagged by my good friend Melissa. The assignment is to write six things about myself. That's nice and all, but I'm thinking I should spice it up a bit with six confessions. They aren't lurid by any means, but things most people won't know about me, nor probably care to know. Anyway, here goes.

1) Although I strongly deny any interest in celeb activities, I'm a closet fame-seeker. I've always been a news hound, and in public I've claimed to learn things of prurient interest for the sake of following current events. Really, I just like to know details about the people I secretly hope to know someday. Sad, oh so very sad.

2) In addition to my hidden fascination with celebrities, I try to keep quiet how much of a fantasy nerd I really am. Some of it recently poked its head out during Halloween when I dressed up in a medieval costume. If I could land myself in a fantasy book a la Inkspell, I'd be in heaven. Give me fantasy books, movies, daydreams, or whatever it is, and I eat it up. Though I doubt you'll get me to admit to my passion for all things mythical or magical, at least not out loud.

3) Speaking of magic, I would live in Harry Potter's world without a second thought. I've always wanted to perform magic, and deep down I wish it were real. I'm not talking about the purported witches in the world, but full-blown fantasy magic—wands, spells, and all. Life would be so much more interesting, and I'm pretty sure I'd be really good at it. Better, even, than Hermione.

4) One thing that I can do magically is make cookie dough disappear. Yes, this is another sad, sad confession. I will eat a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough, or even a bowl of brownie batter, in one sitting. (Which may account for my recent weight gain. Well, that and my desire for complete inactivity.)

5) And by inactive I mean that one of my life's dearest ambitions is to have a job where I can sleep in every day until my body is good and ready to get up. That's not always past noon, but so what if it is? I could stay up late and sleep when I want, and work when I feel the desire, or read, or watch movies. Ahh, wouldn't that be the life . . .

6) Of a writer, which is my other big dream. I want to be a world-famous author with time enough on my hands to write full time. Sales of my books would be large enough to support my rather opulent tastes, and all I'd have to do is wake up and go to work in my pajamas if I want. Oh, how sweet it all would be. Now if only I could finish that first novel. Sad how little things like writer's block get in the way of my ambitions.

Now, I know these revelations aren't terribly shocking, but they are also things I don't tell everyone. So, remember, this is all between us. No shouting my gluttonous behavior from the rooftops—or from the blogtops, either.