Time flies...

Nights go by so quickly. One minute I'm eating dinner with the family. The next I'm out for ice cream with friends (mmm. . . hot fudge sundays) and chatting in the park, and then it's bedtime all of a sudden. I need to get better at this whole time management thing. Well, more later, but bed for now.

TT 9 Reasons to curse the dentist

Seeing as today I had to go in for the second stage of my root canal, I found it appropriate, while lying in that dreadful chair, to consider the Thirteen reasons I hate going to the dentist. 1…. The pain that landed you in the hot seat in the first place. Never pleasant, especially when you just deal with it for 5 years instead of getting it taken care of. 2…. Having to wait a whole month from when they start the root canal to when they finish it and you can finally eat properly again. 3…. Dentists/hygenists with bad breath. I was lucky this time, but I've had some pretty bad breath blown right in my face as they work. 4…. The sound of the drill. Almost as bad as fingernails on the chalkboard but oh, so much more painful. 5…. That ridiculously long needle they stick you with to numb you up. When I can feel them move it around in my gums, that's when I'm about ready to stick them. 6…. Waiting only 10 seconds after the numbing shot before jumping in with the drill. Big surprise that I kept moaning every time they drilled. Yeah, buddy, that hurts. 7…. Drooling on yourself. 8…. Sitting there the whole time they're working on you thinking, "I could be working on my taxes and it wouldn't be this bad." 9…. Taking x-rays that involve sticking big sharp objects into your mouth that cut your gums and holding it there for several minutes until they're sure they got the x-ray right. 10…. Wishing they would just knock you out and wake you when it's all over. 11…. Watching them bring ridiculously long, sharp, pointy objects straight at your face and into your mouth. 12…. Knowing that once you're out of that chair and the numbness wears off, it's probably going to hurt quite a bit. 13…. The bill they slap you with afterward. Why does it cost so much to drill a hole in a stinking tooth and fill it up again?

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Homebody

I've been such a homebody lately, and honestly, I don't care. It's been so nice to hole up in my bedroom and not deal with people, or at least keep it to a minimum. It's not like I don't go out and do things with friends--I was out plenty this weekend--but something's changed since I got my new job and I'm not as interested in staying out all hours of the night.

Part of it is that I'm trying to be responsible and go to bed at a reasonable hour each night, which means I'll be hitting the sack in a few since it's nearly bedtime already. I also have had a desire to spend time by myself when before I was so interested in being around others the whole time.

I'm not sure exactly what's changed. I think some of it has to do with me having less time to myself. Going from part time to full time does cut some hours from the day in terms of free time. But I also feel a shift in my interests and my desire to be around others.

Maybe I'm just going through a slump and soon I'll emerge as I was before, raring to be with my friends. I guess it's a phase I'm going through, and I go through plenty of phases. I really do let my emotions rule my life. As I've said before, I'm a moody person, and depending on how I'm feeling, that's what I do. Good or bad, that's how it is, and if people around me come to understand that, all the better.

So I'm sitting at home, watching shows, reading, and utterly content not to deal with people. At the moment, this is bliss. Now if only I didn't have to go to work, life would be grand.

Lessons on the wall

Ah. It's so nice to shower again. I love camping, I really do, but the moment you get home and wash off 3 days' worth of sweat and grime from your body is oh so sweet.

I had a good trip, one I desperately needed. It was good to get away from work for several days (and especially nice since I still don't have to return to work until Tuesday). Sometimes you just need to stop what you're doing and go do something different before it drives you mad.

We went to Capitol Reef National Park because I had been there only briefly on my last camping trip and really wanted to spend some more time there. This is the perfect time to spend in red rock country. A little later in the year I'll move on toward the mountains and forests further north, but for now I'm enjoying the glorious colors of southern Utah.

And how colorful it was. I couldn't believe how green and red and blue everything was. The sky was crystalline next the the richly colored cliffs surrounded by so many shades of vegetation. The colors seemed to come alive before us.

We went on 5 hikes in 2 days, so needless to say, my feet are about ready to fall off. On one hike, we climbed up a mountainside to end beneath an arch that sloped right over our heads. On another, we climbed an entire mountain, straight up most of the way, and walked on top of the arch at right, though you can barely see us in this photo (we're the two specks right in the middle). I can't say I'll ever have a chance to do something like that again, so it was an incredible experience I'll always treasure.

One thing I really pondered throughout all this was how much I needed to appreciate the moment. So often I get caught up in rushing through life, trying to get everything done so I'll eventually be happy. Why not stop, take a breath, and appreciate the beauty that surrounds me?

But when I get to those places where I know I should stop and look around me, I'm too busy trying to capture it all with my camera so I can save it for later. Why can't I learn to savor each moment and have the memories, not just the photographs, to hold on to?

And why must I try to stretch each moment out? I get so frustrated when I can't seem to make things last as long as I want to. I have to realize that this is how life is, filled with little moments that collectively fill a lifetime. Just because we can't capture memories in a jar to preserve them forever, and even though they tend to fade over time, it doesn't mean they aren't precious or won't be there when it matters. I have to treasure each moment while I can--while I'm there-- and move on to the next when it is time.

No more holding onto the past longer than is due. Time to create new memories while continuing to savor the old.

Those are just some of the lessons these old rock walls have taught me. I wonder how many other lessons they've taught through the eons? Too many to tell.

TT 8 Things to love about camping

Thirteen things to love about camping 1…. Not worrying about how bad you look. It's great not to have to do your hair or makeup everyday. 2…. Getting lost in the wilderness. And hopefully finding my way back before too long. 3…. Going for walks early in the morning when the world is still. Can't you smell that fresh, clean air? Ahh . . . 4…. Listening to the wind blow and coyotes howl as you fall asleep. But not too much wind blowing or you never get to sleep. (Sadly this I know from my last trip.) 5…. Campfires, s'mores . . . need I say more? 6…. Losing myself in my thoughts for hours sitting next to a noisy stream. 7…. Learning how to live without technology . . . just for a few days. 8…. No work. Let me say that again: No Work. 9…. Exploring new places, seeing new sights, discovering myself. 10…. The extraordinary views every morning when you wake up and see the mountains surrounding you as if for the first time. 11…. Feeling good, and exhausted, after a long hike. 12…. Reconnecting with nature. Sometimes I just need to get away from the world and back to my roots. 13…. Peace and quiet. I never have enough of that.

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The edge of greatness

Sometimes you find wisdom where you least expect it. Tonight I found some while watching a movie filled with fairy tales and fantasy. In it, Snow White, long dead, comes back to offer the young heroine some advice.

She tells the girl of her tragic story, how her own stepmother tried to kill her three times: first with a corset to squeeze the life out of her, second with a poisoned comb, and finally with a poisoned apple.

"But didn't you know she was evil when you opened the door?" the girl asks.

"Of course I did," was Snow White's reply. But, she says, and here is the key, "I knew I couldn't keep the door closed on my life just because it might be dangerous, just because I might get hurt."

How many times have I kept the door shut in my life because I was afraid of getting hurt? How many times have I stopped myself from loving someone or letting them become part of my life because it could be slightly dangerous letting someone so close to me?

Too often, I'm afraid. So often that as I look back on my life I cringe at all the foibles I make, at the attempts I make to draw people in so that they like me only to shut down once they get close enough to care.

I talk about letting love in, but how can I possibly do that if I'm afraid to even open the door? No, first I have to address all my fears of failure and ending up alone before I can make my way tremulously toward the door the next time someone knocks. It won't happen in one night, nor will I find all the answers neatly packaged by the time this episode ends. It's going to take some time and some hard effort on my part to work through this baggage I've been carrying on my back all these years.

Healing takes time, as does my acceptance that happiness might be beyond that closed door. For now, I have to get up the courage to look inside myself and make my way through my fears because, as Snow White assures the doubting heroine, "you are standing on the edge of greatness." Aren't we all? Now's the time to take the first step.

--

The aforementioned film is actually one of those special TV series that were popular several years ago. This one is called The 10th Kingdom, and though it has its cheesy moments along with being a long 6 1/2 hours, it's worth watching.

World domination

As if I weren't already addicted to blogging, Google has to go and make it even harder for me to stop obsessing about it. They have a great tool, which I'm sure everyone else in the blogosphere already knows about but I've only recently discovered: Google Analytics.

For a while now I've been disappointed with my poor excuse for a site meter. More often that not it's counting my own hits and only shows data for a short period of time with little helpful information. But no more! Now I will be helping Google along the path toward world domination by using another of their handy dandy little tools. Honestly, if someone's going to take over the world it might as well be Google. At least their products work and they don't charge for most of them. Onward, I say!

Anyway, I'm excited to check up on my site stats now, pathetic though they may be. The only problem is that I signed up yesterday and there aren't really any numbers to crunch yet. Sigh. All in good time, though. Soon I'll be tracking visitors and monitoring productivity along with the best of them. And the best part? No tacky buttons to clutter up my blog space even more than it already is.

Getting over myself

I've been so selfish lately. Well, maybe self-centered is a better word for it, but I've been so focused on myself lately that little else has penetrated my thoughts. For a while it was necessary to concentrate on things that needed to happen--getting a new job, getting over a boy, getting myself back on track. But now I need to get outside myself again so I don't get stuck in a woe-is-me mindset and forget about everyone else.

Lately I'd been avoiding talking to certain people who aren't very socially adept. Sometimes they can be a little much to handle. In the past, I've had great conversations with them and really learned to appreciate the beauty inside them, even though they have a hard time expressing it at times. But for the past little while as I'd focused so much on my own wants and needs, these people had gotten on my nerves and I'd had little patience for them.

Tonight, however, at a church social event, some of them were sitting by themselves while everyone else around them was chatting away and having a good time. So I decided that instead of seeking out my close friends or funny people, I'd sit by these two sisters. It only took me a moment to feel good about my decision. Something as simple as asking them how their days were and what they were up to lately brightened both their day and mine. And as other people joined our table, it really started being a lot of fun.

With all my self-involvement, I've missed that, the feeling of camaraderie with people I normally wouldn't choose to associate. These people have such big hearts and want to share their beauty with others, only if they're open to receive it--and I'm sad to say that for a while I wasn't open to them.

Part of my efforts to open my heart again must include small little acts of service to those who really need it. It may seem a small thing, but for me, making sure those girls didn't feel like outcasts was a big thing, even if they don't see it that way. For me, it's the first step in learning to love again and seek for the beauty in each person I meet. In that way, I can find the beauty in myself again.

Little goodbyes

I should be in bed, I know I should, but it's hard to get to sleep after just getting off work. But that is something to celebrate: my last night on the job. Yay! I'm finally done working nights at the newspaper. I appreciated getting the extra work the past few weeks, but working 6 days a week is wearing me down. But no more! Now I'm a hard-working 5-day-a-week woman, with weekends reserved just for me.

I will, however, miss the people I worked with. They were so much fun. One thing about working in a newsroom is that there is never a boring moment, what with people running around making deadlines and with the interesting array of people who work there. They were absolutely hilarious; well, still are, but I won't be there to join in the jollity.

That's the price to pay for moving on, though. I should be used to this by now. I was so good about picking up and moving on, not letting my emotions rule my decisions. Now, I'm saddened when things change, when people I've learned to care for are no longer there to laugh or cry with.

When did I get so settled? Throughout high school and college I was such a nomad. Most of my life, actually. As long as I had interesting people to spend my time with, I was okay. If one of them had to move on with her life, that was okay, too, and I wished her well. But now I feel a little lost when someone leaves, like they're taking a piece of me with them. It hurts. That's what I don't like with this settling down thing. When you finally get to the point where you find good people, you don't want it to change because it hurts to say goodbye.

I've never been good at goodbyes. Maybe that's why it was easier to move on when I was younger. I could pretend that I'd run into them again and then it wouldn't really be goodbye anyway, more of a see you later.

Now the goodbyes are starting to set in, and the impermanence of life hits me. That, if nothing else, is reason for me to appreciate the moment I'm living right now: to store up those beautiful memories for a time when that is all I'll have left of my friends.

Carpe diem

Yesterday I finally told my old boss that I don't want to work any more Saturdays for them. It's honestly wearing on me, working 6 days a week. I don't know how some people can do it week in and week out. It never feels like I get a break. Although I do enjoy the extra cash, I really need my free time. It's one thing I really treasure.

There's another reason I don't want to work on Saturdays, or at least the Saturday before Memorial Day. At my new job, they met one of their long-term goals, so they're giving all the employees the Friday before the holiday off. Four days in a row. I couldn't be happier.

So one of my new friends at work and I going to go camping that weekend. I know I already went camping once this spring, not even a month ago, but I have such a need to be out doing things and exploring, living life to the fullest. For so long I waited for life to come find me; now I've decided to go out and find it myself.

We're going to go to one of the places I visited a month ago but didn't really have a chance to see much of. It should be beautiful, and I'm hoping not too hot. Either way, we'll have fun and I'll get away. I also learned from past mistakes and bought an inflatable mat to sleep on this time. No more sleepless nights on rock-hard ground. I'll be sleeping in the lap of luxury, well luxury for tent camping.

That's what I plan for this summer; lots of little trips to keep me sane but not spending much so I can save up for my trip to Paris next year. All in it's own time, I say.

Anglophile

I'm not going to spend much time tonight blogging because I have more pressing matters to consider--a DVD I borrowed from the library. Now, I may not have mentioned it earlier, but I love anything and everything British, including TV. A few years ago I got really caught up in TV series playing on PBS that originates in Scotland, called Monarch of the Glen. But, tragedy of all tragedies, just as it was really getting interesting, they pulled it from the lineup. Who cares if the Olympics were in Salt Lake at the time? I wanted my show.

But then the other day as I was perusing the DVD collection at my local library, what joy filled my heart when I saw several seasons of my show on DVD. Finally I can see how it all turned out. The library didn't have the first season in, so I had to put that one on hold and finally got it today. So I will now leave you as I watch my long-lost show, on my new DVD player thing in my computer, no less. I'm so excited! (Yes, I know I'm a dork, but I'm sure you'll forgive me in time.)

Toothaches

Root canal. Just thinking the words are enough to cause pain. But after 5 years of dealing with a problem tooth, I decided to let the dentist fix it. So far it isn't hurting much, but I'm sure that will change. At least the pain will be temporary compared to the ever-present aches I've been dealing with for the past several years.

While sitting in the dentist chair awaiting my fate, I looked around me and noticed all the interesting gadgets he had. My dentist, though more expensive, is really good, the only good dentist I've ever found actually, and is always up to date on the latest technology. As he drilled out the root, he looked through a microscope with a Nikon digital camera attached. Now that's a little piece of equipment I'd like to own.

Then the thought struck me on how amazing it is to have all the technology we do. Gone are the days when teeth were pulled with a pair of dirty pliers as the horrified patient wailed his agony. For that I am thankful. As it is, I couldn't feel much as they drilled and poked and prodded with lots of objects so long and sharp they could have been adequately used as torture devices.

I can't imagine how awful it would be to suffer through the pain and wait until your teeth rotted out. Ugh. Despite all my complaints about technology that doesn't do what I want it to, I am really thankful we have it, even if only for the sake of my teeth.

A mother's influence

What a beautiful day to be celebrating mothers. It feels like the earth is offering a beautiful present to those women who have done so much for humanity. Sitting in church, listening to so many people relate the lessons and experiences they've received from their own mothers, it makes me think of my own.

I guess you could say that I have two mothers (or mother figures) in my life. The first was my own mom. She was always such a caring soul, someone you could lean on for anything--she would always be there. From her I learned how to love and relate to people. Throughout her life she struggled with learning and education, but she never let any of her struggles stop her from sharing all she had with those she loved, or even with strangers, for that matter. She was the one who would scrimp and save so she could buy herself something nice only to spend the money on her children when they wanted anything. She is the person I think of when I hear people talk about a loving, caring mother.

I was only 16 when she was killed in a car accident. Although I know it was time for her to leave the earth when she did, it was still a tough age to lose the major feminine influence in my life. There were so many instances where I wished she would have been there, to offer comfort or to give advice: my first date, at graduation, when I moved away to college for the first time, my first heartbreak and all the small moments throughout, the tough decisions, where having the support of a loving mother would make all the difference. I've missed out on that. But often the memories of who she was and what she did for me would keep me going, even when it all seemed so hard.

Then 4 years after my mom died, my dad decided to marry again. This, more than my mom's death, has been a struggle for my family. Although my stepmom is a good woman, it is a trial to live with her. She is not an easy woman to love, and she does little to engender trust in her stepchildren.

But maybe I've learned a lot from her through my struggles to get along. Often I've had to hold my tongue and consider the consequences of my behavior toward her in regard to the family as a whole. She has little love for one of my brothers, and though he is difficult to live with, her attitude toward him only creates more conflict.

In the past 2 years that I've been living back at home, after being gone for so long, I have learned about patience and also about getting along with someone I never would have chosen as a friend myself. For a while we got along pretty well. It's been fairly strained as of late, but yesterday we had a nice conversation while sitting out on the back porch. I'm hoping that she is moving past whatever issues have caused her to be withdrawn and sullen recently. It will make the atmosphere at home that much better.

I can't say I would have chosen for things to work out as they have; I certainly would never have wished to lose my mother so early and have her replaced with someone I struggle to get along with. But I have become a stronger woman through my trials. I have learned independence, self-reliance, determination, patience, resilience and a host of other qualities that will carry me through life. I can positively say that I am who I am because of the influence of the women in my life, whether for good or for ill, and that is much to celebrate this Mothers Day.

Saving for a rainy day

Today was good. Rather serendipitous, actually. For the past little while, well, pretty much since I started paying my own way, finances have been tight. I've always earned enough to cover my bills and, every so often, enough money to spend on things that I'd like. But I never seemed to get caught up on my savings goals.

Well, today I received an unexpected windfall in the form of my paycheck from my old job. I didn't realize that they would actually pay me out for the vacation time I had accrued. Needless to say, I was ecstatic and put the lot of it in savings.

One of my big goals is to support myself while also putting money away every month. As I look for an apartment, that's going to be crucial because things always cost more than I think they will. I have a talent for underestimating costs, well, maybe it's more of a curse. I also have a habit of buying things when I probably shouldn't. For higher-priced items I'm really good about holding off and saving up, but when it comes to the little things each day, sometimes I'm not so good about denying myself. But it does come in phases. I can go months without spending much, but then when the bug hits, it's hard to stop it.

So the point of this rambling is that my goal is to be better about saving money and start thinking about the future, instead of living paycheck to paycheck. That's the goal, now I have to figure a way to stick to it.

Moody music

It's nice, now that my technological gadgets have decided to cooperate. I got the CD/DVD player/burner in the mail Wednesday, and after haranguing my brother into installing it for me, started downloading my vast CD collection. This is going to take me awhile, kids. I have more CDs than I realized. Plus my computer is ancient and takes longer to think about things. But on the upside, I am re-listening to all my music and will have a new-found appreciation for all things musical very soon. I'm hoping to rediscover some goodies while I'm at it.

I do love how you can organize your music according to genre, which I've already put on shuffle so I can listen to whatever I'm in the mood for. I'm a moody person, if you haven't noticed, and I like my music to match the mood I'm in at the time. Call me crazy, I know it's revolutionary. So I really like that now I can do that so easily. OK, so maybe Steve Jobs isn't completely evil.

One of the play lists I'm constructing harks back to something I pondered several months ago. Now I'm finally able to put together the soundtrack of my life. Ah, isn't it grand. It just makes me all tingly inside.

TT 7 Ways I can expand my mind

Thirteen Ways I Can Expand My Mind 1…. Visit museums. Although there aren't that many great museums in my area, I can visit the ones we do have. Nothing opens you up to new experiences like contemplating art. 2…. Read good fiction. I've slacked off with my classics lately. It's time I get serious again, but not too serious. There are still so many excellent modern writers, I need to spread the love around a little. 3…. Include nonfiction books. I've generally been averse to reading nonfiction on my own time, but now that I'm out of school I should hit the books again, this time to learn what I want. It also helps that I read (and edit) a variety of nonfiction books every day. Today included a cookbook, a book on architecture and a guide on floral arranging. If that's not varied, I don't know what is. 4…. Take walks. In addition to clearing the mind through a little bit of exercise, it helps me to contemplate my life and ponder the wonders of the universe while surrounded by nature. 5…. Write in journal. There's nothing better to understand life than write about it. It's so clarifying to put down my thoughts on paper. 6…. Participate in intelligent conversations/debates. Although boy talk and discussing the weather all have their place in life, I need to move past that if I'm to progress as a person, which leads me to... 7…. Surround myself with interesting people. How else will I have interesting conversations if not with interesting people? There's so much to learn from others' experiences, as well as creating new ones while in the company of an adventurous soul. 8…. Read newspaper daily. This was easy when I worked for the paper, but now that I'm at a new, though equally interesting, job, I've noticed that my knowledge of current events is somewhat down. Now I'll have to make an effort to know what's going on in the world. 9…. Take a dance class. When the body is learning new things, like dance, the mind lets go and focuses on the body. Completely invigorating. (Especially if it's tap.) 10…. Study religion. Spirituality is an important part of the mind, and I mustn't neglect that either. A scripture-study class is a worthwhile way to broaden my understanding. 11…. Snap more pictures. Photography is an excellent way to see life through a different perspective. I've noticed that when I've got the camera pressed against my face, I look at my surroundings differently and appreciate the little details and color so much more. 12…. Listen to classical music. More than any other type of music, research has shown that classical helps people learn and grow. And it's a peaceful backdrop to any endeavor. 13…. Spend more time with children. How easy it is to learn to see the world from the eyes of a child. And in doing so, I relearn so many things I hadn't realized I'd forgotten.

People like me, they really, really like me

I'll admit it -- I'm human. I tend to enjoy it when people say nice things about me. So I was excited to see that Critique My Blog had written some very nice things about me. It really made my day. Also, a few weeks ago I was surprised by a fellow Thursday Thirteener at This Eclectic Life passed along some linky love with some more kind words about my little bloggie. Sometimes it's nice to feel loved.

I have to admit, there are times (most of the time, actually) where I really wonder what people think of me. I've even been known to ask friends that; I especially want them to tell me if I have any annoying habits I should get rid of or if there is anything people are saying negatively about me. I'd really like to know so I can fix any of those habits and make myself a better person.

I've always wanted to be a fly on the wall when people were having a conversation about me just so I would know what people honestly thought. Maybe I'm weird, but I'd like to think that kind of curiosity is just human nature.

It can be a good thing in a way. At work recently when I'd been stressed and overanalyzing how I was doing, I sat down with my supervisor and asked her if there was anything I needed to do to improve. I really tend to worry my bosses will end up hating me and fire me for being such a poor employee/editor/person. Her response was that they were happy with me and just keep working. It really did a lot to calm my anxieties. I think I worry too much, more than a normal person. It can drive me batty sometimes.

But one thing I've learned in life is to be honest and up front with people, and that it can take you far. It's so much better to find out how you are performing, especially in school and work, instead of drifting along and discovering too late that there was more you could have done. I'd so much rather make corrections in time to fix any glaring problems than end up getting fired when I could have changed the situation. It also helps my overworked brain rest from constant stressing.

So, in other words, if I have any annoying habits that need correcting, tell me now. We'll all be happier in the end.

(Quarter) life crisis

Things have been going better in my life, but still I feel as if something is . . . lacking. I haven't been able to place it, but I know all isn't right.

So while wandering my second home, i.e. Barnes and Noble, I stumbled across a book that could be the answer to the limitless questions I've been asking myself but just don't seem to have answers for.

Now I had never heard the term "quarter life crisis," but the author of "20 Something, 20 Everything" explains that this is the point for many women who have graduated college, started their careers, decent dating lives, and yet something seems to be missing.

That is exactly the dilemma I've been facing, and I realize now that I'm not alone. The title references how women of our generation are assured that they can have it all, career and family, and be everything. But with such high expectations from everyone, including ourselves, how are we ever going to achieve it all.

So there is now a generation of females hitting a brick wall. We've accomplished so much, and yet we feel as if we haven't even begun to scratch the surface. For me, that is a troubling way of looking at things because when I feel overwhelmed I tend to dive for cover and procrastinate doing anything for fear of failing. It all becomes a vicious, never-ending cycle of violence against myself, but it must stop.

I'm hoping that by reading this book and doing the activities she suggests, such as journal writing, that I'll finally figure out how to break through this unwittingly self-imposed crisis. Maybe then I'll move past the fears that are holding me back and I can start living again. What a sweet thought.

Love-hate relationship

I was terribly excited yesterday when I arrived home to find a box waiting for me. Well, I knew (or at least hoped) it would be there, so it wasn't a complete surprise. But I still was excited to tear it open and find my long-awaited present lying in a nest of peanuts. I had the evening free and was ready to spend the whole night downloading my entire CD collection to my shiny new iPod in a night of music-induced euphoria.

That, however, was not to be. Frustrations started almost immediately.

"What! No power hookup? That's just ridiculous. It didn't say anything about buying one separately when I purchased it."

After calming down a tad I actually read the instructions and realized that, wait a second, the USB cord also charges the battery. So Apple didn't totally screw me over, but they also assured that I will probably end up buying a battery charger since it's such an inconvenient way to do things. Steve Jobs really knows what he's doing.

Then the downloading started. First the software to get the music and then the music itself. This all went fairly smoothly until I actually started listening to the music on my iPod. Every few seconds there would be a little blip on the song, almost like a scratching noise that nearly drove me insane after a few minutes of it. The other albums were the same. Each had the annoying skipping sound, though some had it more than others.

So I started listening to the CDs on the computer as they were downloading. They were all skipping terribly, even a brand-new CD I'd bought the week previous. I realized that after all my hard work, it had all come to nothing since I couldn't even download them properly -- the CD burner in my computer (which at 5 years old is a dinosaur by current standards) was completely useless.

The internal ranting started at that point. I deleted all the songs I'd just spent hours downloading and cursed silently. There are times when I hate technology with a passion, generally when it doesn't work properly or do what I want it to do. Earlier in the day my work had been severely hampered by a virus that was corrupting all the Word documents I was working on. I couldn't get a single thing done until the virus scan had been completed several hours later.

There are times I wish for a quieter time when people didn't have to bother with all the technology breaking down all the time. Life has gotten so busy and quick that there just isn't enough time in the day to mess with high-tech foul ups.

But then I remember that if we didn't have technology, my life would seem really empty. I don't know how I would function without the Internet. Even though my connection is slow and kicks me off frequently, how else would I do my banking but online. Go to a bank? Haven't done that in months. What about contacting other people? E-mail is a godsend in instantaneous communication. No more snail mail to keep up with friends who live around the world. No more need to wait. And my cell phone. What would I do if I were ever stuck on the side of the road? Wait for a good Samaritan to come along and hitch a ride somewhere? Heaven forbid.

No, I can see how the quality of life has improved with each technological advance. But with each improvement comes its own tailor-made set of headaches.

Am I willing to give it all up to live a quieter life, as some people have done? Not on your life. There are times when I can go without my gadgets for a while. But when my self-imposed celibacy ends, I'm one of the first to whip out my phone and check my e-mail -- just to make sure I haven't missed anything.

That leaves me with only one option. Now I have to buy a new CD burner, but this time I'll upgrade to play DVDs as well. And so the cycle continues.

Rejection

Today while slogging through the slush pile for children's book submissions at work, I had an interesting thought. As a book editor, I play god to all those aspiring authors sending in manuscripts with the hope that someday they'll be published.

It is a daunting thought that without even a word, I relegated a host of books to the 'reject' pile while only two are in the 'maybe' pile. None made it to the 'yes! of course' pile. Submissions rarely do. When training me on how to go through submissions, one of the senior editors mentioned that 95% of submissions are rejected. I imagine even fewer actually make it into print, what with the arduous process of publishing to slog through. It can make any prospective author quail at he thought of passing through it.

But it is the merest possibility of seeing their words in print that fuels most writers. A kind word will keep them going against all odds. It amazes me how many people who clearly cannot write will churn out submission after submission in the hope that someday one will make it through and their dream will finally be realized.

It's sobering to me as an editor that I hold the power of life and death over their stories, over their words, their characters and even their hopes and dreams. They may eventually be published by someone else, but it will be a difficult process for them nonetheless.

I thought of that a lot when I was an intern for a small publisher of fiction a few years ago. Some of the submissions I read were completely unbelievable and unrealistic. I was laughing with incredulity at several of them. With my background in writing, I could see that these books would never be published, let alone purchased by anyone.

But then I had to remind myself that this was someone's sweat and tears I was laughing at. They truly believed what they had written was good, worthwhile and that people would want to read what they had spent so much time working on. After that I couldn't laugh, or at least not as much. But some of the stories were so bizarre I couldn't stop myself from cracking up. Probably the strangest I have seen involved church missionaries being abducted by aliens and then converting an entire alien race to Christianity. I still can't get over that one.

So the point of this whole thing is that even though I have to dash people's hopes with rejection, I need to remember that there are real people on the other end of those rejection letters. And maybe I will be too, someday, if I can ever get my book finished.

Change will do me good

It's so nice and green today. I fresh spring rain tends to do that. It brightens up the whole world and makes you want to luxuriate in your surroundings.

I love spring. It's one of the best times of the year, for regrowth and new beginnings. That's something I've really been thinking about lately, starting over. What with a new job and plans to move out on my own and a host of smaller changes that are happening in my life, I feel like I'm being reborn or renewed, however you want to look at it.

And it feels good. My life had been stagnant for too long -- a year and a half is a long time in my (relatively) short life. Lingering over a crush for that long is stupid, I can see that now. Especially when he showed no interest in me other than as a friend. Well, lessons can be learned from all mistakes, though we may not want to listen to them.

But now that my life is moving forward again, there's so much I hope to accomplish and learn. Yesterday I signed up for a tap class, something I'd been hoping to do for a while but hadn't had the time for. I'm really excited about it. I went to watch the class last night and remembered how much fun it is to dance and feel the music and the rhythm of tapping. I just can't explain the exhilaration I feel when I've got a dance down and I'm doing it in harmony with other people. It's such a cool experience, everyone should try it a some point in her life. Well, that or find some other interest that inspires similar feelings.

Out with the old feelings of drudgery and hopelessness and in with the new feelings of lightness and prosperity. It's time for some changes, and I hope they'll all be good.

TT 6 Thirteen reasons to get my own place

Thirteen Reason it's Time for Me to Move Out

1…. I need my own space.

2…. No more following parents' rules.

3…. My stepmom's mood swings are killing me.

4…. It will cut down on the family drama/arguments I'll have to endure.

5…. I'll feel comfortable inviting friends over.

6…. No more 'chore list'.

7…. Freedom. Hallelujah!

8…. I'm an adult, so it's time I feel like one.

9…. It's embarrassing to tell people that I'm 26 and still living at home.

10…. I have too much stuff to fit in my little bedroom.

11…. Sharing a bathroom with my stinky brother is less than pleasant.

12…. I'm used to the college schedule of finding a new apartment every year.

13…. I want to start my life over again, and what better way to do it than move.

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Stress, so much stress

I'm stressing. I know I shouldn't be, but I am and that's all there is to it. I do this every time I start a new job or make a big decision in my life.

I start by overanalyzing, quickly move on to perfectionism and end up in procrastination mode, all the while stressing about every little detail I have to deal with. It's not a good recipe, that I can tell you.

My current stress involves my new job. I love it--I know it's what I'm meant to do and I'm good at it. Problem is that I am still not completely comfortable with my workload yet; there are so many new tasks and processes I have to learn and I hate feeling like a beginner. Everyone has to start at the beginning, obviously, but I don't like to spend more than a day or two there. I'm a little overzealous in that way. I want to perfect everything the first time and never have to ask questions.

Which leads me to my perfectionism. I hate making mistakes, especially at work. I want them to think me perfectly efficient, hard-working and, well, perfect. Making mistakes just doesn't work for me, and that's pretty much what a beginner does. It doesn't help that my supervisor is the same way and expects perfection from me. I guess it's an editor thing--we're trying to turn a messy manuscript into a beautiful book sans errors of any kind.

So once I get into perfectionist mode, I hate making a mistake of any kind and therefore put off making any kind of decision that could possibly be wrong. I'm actually doing better at this aspect. I only allow myself to put it off for a moment or two before doing it even though I really don't feel like doing anything at that moment. I'm improving.

But I still stress about everything and I need to stop before I drive myself crazy. I think that once I get a little more comfortable with the whole situation, I'll start to calm down a bit. I always do, but for a few weeks when I'm really stressing, life is not pleasant.

It does help air out my frustrations. Maybe now that I'm recognizing the self-destructive pattern I'm in, I can combat it more easily. Probably not, but hey, it's a nice thought.

On a completely unrelated topic, I was downloading photos from our family birthday party last Thursday. My niece was born on my birthday 3 years ago and since then we just have a combined party for the both of us plus my dad, whose birthday is a week later. The first photo I want to share is of my niece, Kelly, who got a chef's outfit since she loves cooking and helping out in the kitchen. She's also decided that she has to make silly faces any time someone wants to take her picture. She's 3, what can I say.

The next priceless photo is of my dog, Frodo. (Yes, that is his name, and no, I did not name him.) The poor thing is confined to a cone at the moment because he won't stop biting a sore near his tail. Well, anytime Frodo feels he isn't getting enough attention, generally whenever my niece is around, he has to pick up something and carry it around like a prize. Often it's something he shouldn't have, so we have to chase him and get whatever it is back, thus getting him attention. Works like a charm. Anyway, on this day the object he decided to parade around was a party favor, hence the festive puppy, though he doesn't look in much of a party mood. I find it rather humorous, but I think a lot of odd things rather funny.