Sundance

Unfortunately we weren't able to nab any photos of celebrities, but I did get a pic of Main Street outside the Egyptian Theater all dressed up for Sundance.

Oh, the drama

Well, a lot has actually happened this past week. I had a job interview that went really well. They're planning to bring me back for another interview sometime in the next few weeks. I'm really excited, though, and hope it works out. I need a change in my life and this would be a good one.

And now for my report on my fabulously exciting trip up to Park City to see the Sundance Film Festival. I have to say, celeb spotting isn't nearly as exciting as people make it out to be. We did happen to see some pseudo/minor celebrities as we walked up and down Main Street on a beautiful winter day.

A short list: Tara Reid, who happened to be carrying a plate full of pasta down the street, sort of odd; Crispin Glover, who we spotted getting interviewed and who I didn't recognize until I saw a story on him in the paper and who my friend referred to as 'The Crazy Hair Guy from "Charly's Angels"; Jeremy Sisto of "Clueless" fame, who ran into my friend as he was talking about a movie he didn't want to make; and one 'really hot' guy who was getting interviewed but who we couldn't place.

I did have a lot of fun, though, but next year I actually want to start planning earlier and get in to see a film because, as we all know, Sundance is really about the movies. Uh huh.

I feel pretty

My blog is looking a little naked, so I'm going to try to post more photos to make it pretty. But then that means I need to take more pictures. I'll have to work on that. And what can make my blog prettier than a picture of my cute little niece Kelly? She's 2 1/2 and full of mischief, but cute nonetheless.

Soundtrack of my life

I decided today while listening to what could be my new theme song that I needed to figure out which songs would be on the soundtrack of my life. I've often thought of the songs that either have a message that speaks to me personally or songs that I just adore and how they would fit into the movie of my life.

They are (in no particular order):

Wild Horses, Natasha Bedingfield
I Will Love You, Andy Shelton
Crash, Dave Matthews Band
Brighter Than Sunshine, Aqualung
Fa Fa, Guster
Stars and the Moon, Audra McDonald
When You Say You Love Me, Josh Grobin
When the Stars Go Blue, Tim McGraw
Fare Thee Well, Indigo Girls
Galileo, Indigo Girls
Mystery, Indigo Girls
If You Ever Did Believe, Stevie Nicks
Crystal, Stevie Nicks
With or Without You, U2
On My Own, Les Miserables
But Not for Me, Gershwin
Someone to Watch Over Me, Gershwin

Spice up your life

I wonder how long my life is going to stay stuck in neutral. I'm not dating anyone. I go to work every day. I am looking for a new job, but that isn't really going anywhere. Not much has changed in my life, including my friends or my weekend plans.

I want something different in my life.

Well, I can make some fun plans, like the Sundance Film Festival, for instance. I've always wanted to go and though it's only an hour drive away, I've never made the trip up to Park City during festival time. This year I'll make sure to go. Last year, unfortunately, the day I'd planned to spend up there a snowstorm hit and I didn't dare try the canyon roads, which can be near impassible during the snow.

Well, what else can I do to spice up my life?

I did sign up to take a class to learn how to knit. I know it sounds bizarre for someone only 25 years old to knit, but I'd love to make my own beautiful scarves and ponchos and hats. And I've heard it's an excellent way to relax. It also complements a new skill I recently learned: spinning. Yes, I learned how to use a spinning wheel and to card and comb and dye wool. Though it sounds like a strange hobby, it's actually quite fun once you get the hang of it.

Which leads me to another thing I can do: working on my book. I actually learned to spin as research for a work of fiction that I still haven't managed to finish. After 2 1/2 years I'm still working on it, though I have gotten much closer to my goal. I'm currently 150 pages in, though it will probably take me another 150 before I'll be close to finishing.

Well, those are a few things I can focus on, but I still feel like my life isn't going anywhere. I'm afraid that right now I'm in a 'wait and see' period where nothing grand will happen but where I just need to keep plodding on. I guess I'll make it there eventually. Hopefully the boredom won't kill me before I'm done though. Who knows.

Wow, looking over my plans to spice up my life I realized just how boring it is at the moment. Boy, I'm really pathetic. Ha ha.

Raison d'etre

I love journals. I love to write and pour out my innermost thoughts onto the page, or computer screen as it may be. There is something so powerful about language and how it can stir the soul to inspiring heights.

I craft my trade through words and constantly study them and grammar and language and everything else children dread studying at school. Many would call me a nerd, and do, but that doesn't matter to me. What does matter is the pure pleasure I derive from crafting a masterpiece of words. That and making sure every t is crossed and i dotted.

I'm not sure why words and language affect me so. I really think it's something inborn in me. Ever since I was a child I've been fascinated with reading and writing. According to my parents, I started reading when I was 4 and haven't stopped since. When I was 10, my friends and I would stage short plays I would write. Though written by a child, every time I revisit those early pieces I see the potential I had at such a young age and my dedication to my future craft.
In high school I wrote frequently, both for the newspaper and creatively in my English classes.

Looking back I can see the path that was laid out for me from such an early age. It started out with short stories and plays, later moving on to poetry. In high school and college it switched to essays and newspaper articles. Since then I have focused on journalism, fiction writing and, finally, journal writing and blogging.

How much has changed since my beginnings! I feel almost like I've come full circle in my, still young, life. What started out as a favored pastime has turned into a career and a passion. Who would ever think I'd be so lucky to do what I love? Many people don't get that chance. I should appreciate it for the blessing it is and realize that I must share my writing with others if I am to truly share my raison d'etre.

This is why I live; this is why I breathe.

For now, it is enough to know that I can write and share my thoughts with the world. With this blog I am able to share that passion for life with all, but as a final note, remember what Emily Dickinson wrote: "Judge tenderly of me."

But a moment

Our souls touched as I journeyed today
for but a brief moment in the
long expanse of time.
They stood united for a mere breath of life,
and I couldn’t help but feel of your
wisdom
and love
and infinite glory.
Our souls touched as I struggled through life,
working
and weeping
and searching for more.
Your beauty has healed me;
Your touch has caressed
deep wounds of the soul.
How could I not love you
and offer to heal you
of the even deeper wounds
life has chosen for you?
Is it any wonder
that I have been placed here
by a loving Father
who knows us both so well?
Our souls touched as we remembered the joy
of celestial beginnings
and eternal perspectives
That we can only find
as our souls touch,
for but a moment,
in this blink of an eye.
Our souls touched as I journey on my way,
to remember
the life
and the love
and the laughter
of our brief moment
When we touched and were united
as the sisters of our eternal youth.
Our souls touched eternity today
as they will touch again,
forevermore,
in the kingdom of our Father.

L'amour est tout

Why does love have to be so hard? I think of all the people in the world and the likelihood that two people will meet at an opportune time, be compatible with each other and then, miracle of miracles, fall in love. I wonder how the stars must align for such a moment to happen.

And then I wonder when my moment will come. For years I convinced myself that I was better off alone, at least for the time being. It was better for me to live my life with freedom and friends and a good time all around than to spend my time fretting about how lonely I really was.

How those ideas seem hollow now. I've realized that it is only once we have truly loved another that our lives take on meaning, that we become real.

I was watching the French film "Les Destinees Sentimentale" tonight and, long though it was, there was one thought near the end that really struck me. Jean, one of the main characters, realized near the end of his life that love truly meant everything. "Every life has been worthwhile if it has known love," he said.

Love is what makes us worthwhile, what gives us meaning. And so, difficult as it is for me to find that perfect love, I wait and I wonder and I hope. I hope that when my moment comes that I will recognize it for what it is: the chance for me to turn my life into something truly meaningful.

Now what did I do with that list?

I was a good girl this year and made a list of resolutions that I intend to keep but that I am sure will fade and dwindle like they do every year. But no! This year I must stand firm and at least attempt to improve myself while the going is good.

Several years ago I got the brilliant idea to separate my personal goals into four distinct but important areas: Physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual. I have posted next to my bed each of these with several items listed underneath. At times I am better at following through than at other times.

For example, under physical I have listed eating more fruits and vegetables, taking my vitamins, flossing every day and washing my face before I go to bed at night. Let's just say I haven't been terribly consistent.

So then I decided that instead of tackling these huge lists of things to do, or should I say to make myself feel guilty about, I would choose one or two items from each list to work on each week.

Yeah, that petered out pretty quickly, too.

Well, then, what am I to do? In my journal I wrote that I want to get myself back on track with these goals, all of which are manageable but none of which I manage to do consistently.

I seem stuck in a quandary. I want to improve, I know I can do it, but how can I build these habits and make them permanent? Part of it, I fear, is starting over again when I stumble. Getting back up again when I fall. It never seems easy, but I guess that's part of the learning curve. I won't make any of these changes in my life if I don't expend some effort, if I don't have to pay some price.

So instead of rolling out of bed and heading straight for the shower, I need to take a moment each morning and review my list of goals. If they're in my mind I'm much more likely to accomplish them. Also, I need to choose a few areas to work on, studying Italian, for example, or taking a daily walk, and make a concerted effort to turn that goal into a habit. They say three weeks is the trick. So pick a few of the items to work on and focus on it for three weeks and that should be enough to make it into a healthy habit.

I just hope this works. If not, I'll be back here again next year with another failed list of New Year's resolutions, just like everyone else.

I would bottle happiness

"I love shopping." I say to myself. "I just want to look, to see what is there. Though I can't buy any of it now, just looking will suffice."

But it never does.

Shopping is only a counterfit for something else in my life. When I feel empty, I often try fill it with items, objects that bring no discernible pleasure other than the owning of them.

That beautiful new shirt will look good on me, of course. And the makeup, though I already own a cabinet full of makeup supplies, of course I need that. And maybe, just maybe, those items will make me feel more beautiful, more special than I really am. Maybe what marketers say is true: You can buy happiness.

But then I come home, see my purchases, look at the receipts and realize that I didn't buy happiness today. Nor did I see it in any of the stores. It isn't to be found there.

Then there are the moments--quiet, still moments--when I touch happiness, just for a second, mind you, but I touch it and it seems real and alive to me, but only for a second.

I want to capture that, put it in a bottle and keep it on my shelf for later, when the world seems gray and my new books can't seem to bring me the joy they once did. Then, then I can unscrew the bottle, ever so slowly, and open it for a moment, just for a moment, and let myself feel again. Breathe in the sweet summer breeze. Feel fingers of the wind play with my hair like a whimsical child. Listen to the idle gossip of birds in the trees. Let the heat of the sun warm my back like a kitten curled up for a nap. Know that there is contentment in the world and I am part of it.

Yes, I wish to bottle happiness, to keep it with me for when the sun goes down and the moon hides behind the clouds.

I need happiness like I need the sun, like I need the air, like I need love.

Maybe I'll find it again someday. Then, I promise, I'll bring a big jar and trap it for a rainy day, maybe even to share some of it with you.