White vs. Wheat

I've always been a white bread kind of girl. I just can't help it. Wheat is better for me, I know that. It has more nutrients. Multi-grain is even better. But do I want that? No!

There's something so deliciously sweet about eating a thick slice of white bread slathered with honey. Or maybe plain with a bit of butter for a salty snack. Then there's raspberry jam, seedless, of course, and homemade if possible. I even enjoy a piece of toast slathered with Nutella on my chocolate days and lemon curd for those citrusy moments.

You can't do that with wheat bread. It just isn't the same. And making a classic grilled cheese sandwich with 12-grain bread? Forget it. It loses something in the translation.

The problem comes when I'm at the grocery store standing in aisle two, looking at the vast array of yeasty choices. Traditional white? Homestyle potato? How about seven-grain filled with flax and sunflower seeds?

I should (my hand reaches for the wholesome wheat), but I really want (I drift toward the thick white bread a grandmother supposedly made) though my body will thank me later (I dither again) IF it can get past the craving for the homey goodness of white.

Ahh!!! Stop the madness! I grab the white and head for the cereal aisle. My self-indulgent side wins the day, but two weeks later it's back again to that same tug of war.

I've come up with a compromise of sorts. One week it's wheat when I'm health conscious and the next it's time for my guilty pleasure. Sometimes I even splurge and buy myself a loaf of fresh-baked artisan bread (French or Italian). Mmmm...

I'm not sure what all this says about me. Maybe I take pleasure in simple things--I'd rather my life be uncomplicated. It could mean that I know what's best for me and then give in to my selfish wants. It's really a battle of should versus want. I know what I should do, but I don't always do it.

Or maybe I'm overanalyzing all of this. Choosing bread should be easy, right? Yes, if you're not an OCD-driven maniac. (Not all the time, I promise. Just when it comes to bread. And a few other things, but we're not discussing that right now.)

The conclusion of all this? I have no idea. All I know is that I'm really hungry now. Toast sounds like a great idea. But should I have jam? No, too sugary. Peanut butter? Not if I'll have peanut butter breath. Butter would be nice. But think of all that fat. Argh! Not again!

TT 18 Books I recommend

After reading several lists that independent bookstores have compiled of their favorite books to recommend, I've decided to come up with my own list. (And, by the way, if I ever did start a business, it'd be a bookstore that also sells stationery. All my favorite things in one room.) So here, in no particular order, are thirteen books I'd recommend. Some are classic, some may be new, but all are good reads.

1.... I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith. I fell in love with this story of a young girl who lives with her family in an ancient castle. The storytelling is incredible, and the language is vivid and real. I can imagine a teenage girl thinking and writing these things--there may even be some things I would have written in my own journal.

2.... The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis. These books are much more than simple children's stories. There is a moral to them that speaks to me. Plus the Pevensy children's adventures are delightful simply as good stories.

3.... Mansfield Park, by Jane Austen. One of her lesser known books, but also one of the best. Meek Fanny Price is the epitome of patience earning the sweetest reward. And anything by Jane Austen is bound to have great romance.

4.... The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho. When people ask about my favorite book, I usually tell them this one. It is an amazing story of learning to find oneself. Short, but very sweet.

5.... The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom. This book made me cry, it was so touching and powerful. This is a wonderful book to read, and then ponder who you would meet in heaven, or whose lives you've touched.

6.... The Winter's Tale, by William Shakespeare. Though I have yet to read it, seeing a performance of this incredible play in London showed me the true genius of Shakespeare. It also has one of the best endings of any book in literature.

7.... The Little Prince, by Antoine Saint-Exupery. The beautiful simplicity of this tale breaks my heart every time I read it. There is so much truth to the observances of the little prince. If only adults read this book more often.

8.... Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. A beautiful and stirring treatise on what Christians believe and why. There is a power to his simple, yet profound, explanations.

9.... Chronicles of Prydain, by Lloyd Alexander. I love these books, but most especially book 4, Taran the Wanderer. His search to find who he truly is resounds with me.

10.... The Goose Girl, by Shannon Hale. You've got to love a fairy tale, especially one that is well told. Based on the Grimm story of a princess who must hide in the guise of a goose girl, there's a lot to love in this tale.

11.... The Diaries of Adam and Eve, translated by Mark Twain. Though very short, these two "diaries" are incredibly funny and touching. And through his usual biting wit, Twain shows us how different things seem from a man (or woman's) perspective.

12.... Harry Potter series, by J.K. Rowling. It goes without saying that these books are embedded in the American--and worldwide--conscious, but I still know people who have yet to read these fantastic books. Never fear! It is not too late to read the books. (And I promise, books are always better than the movies based upon them.)

13.... As a Man Thinketh, by James Allen. I turn to this book time and again whenever I am feeling low. His treatise on filling our minds with pure, virtuous, and positive thoughts is amazing. It makes me want to be a better person every time I read it.

Okay, I'm having a hard time stopping at thirteen, so I thought I'd throw in a bonus book.

Bonus: Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge. This book got me through a rough time in my life. For any woman who's ever been wounded in her life (come on, admit it, we've all been wounded at one time or another), this book can lead toward healing. And any man who wants to understand women and their scars better, this is the perfect help.

Talent or determination? It may be both

What does it take to write a story the world over loves? How do those incredible writers craft their words in such a way that people have to stop and catch their breath because what they read was so powerful and so beautiful?

I was just reading through several lists of recommended reading. The topics varied by the bookstore recommending them, but I started to recognize some of the same titles that continuously earn a place on the best-loved-books lists. Memoirs of a Geisha, Snow Falling on Cedars, Angela's Ashes, Beloved. What is it about these stories, and the writers who tell them, that captivates people? What do they know about putting words together that others try to imitate but can never seem to capture?

A great deal of it is inborn, I think, something that comes naturally to some while others have to work very hard but never quite make it. Not that I don't think it can be learned, to some extent, but the most talented writers are just that: talented. It's not something they can necessarily create within themselves. No amount of writing classes or books will turn a poor writer into a great one. Mediocre, maybe, but extraordinary, unlikely.

That leads me to wonder about myself: Do I have what it takes to be a great writer? I hope so, and I think I might. For me the question isn't if I have the talent for it, but if I have the perseverance to stick it out when the story isn't flowing the way I think it should or the words on the page don't all feel inspired. Greatness is something I'll have to work at, if I can ever get there.

Maybe the key lies somewhere in there. Most talented people don't just sit down and have the book pour itself onto the page from their frantic fingertips--at least not most of the time. They still have to work at it; they still have writer's block and uninspired days. What truly brings about greatness, then, is the persistence to work through the hard times while developing those God-given talents that lie dormant within.

I promise this essay isn't about my vanity; more, it's a search within myself to figure out if my determination to be great, combined with natural talent, is enough for me to achieve the greatness I desire. Will people one day add my own works to their bookstore's greatest-books list? Who knows. But I'll never find out if I don't try.

TT 17 Things I'm grateful for

In honor of Thanksgiving Day, I'd like to think of 13 things that I am grateful for. This list could be so much longer, but I'll spare you and keep it short. In no particular order . . .

1…. Moments of peace. I cherish the times when I can be by myself. It is such a comfort to me

2…. Books. My life would be empty without them. Not just because I work as a book editor, but the knowledge and joy I take from reading would be severely missed.

3…. Ability to learn. I have the opportunity and capacity to learn every day. I hope I never tire of learning new things.

4…. My family. Though they often drive me crazy, I still love them and am grateful for them in my life.

5…. Good friends, and all the things I've learned from them. There are countless individuals in this list who've touched my life in some way. I wouldn't be who I am without their love and support.

6…. Places I've traveled and experiences I've had while doing so. I can't begin to describe the wonders I've seen and people I've met while traveling far from home. All of those memories are with me still.

7…. My education and the opportunities it's afforded me. I have a good job and knowledge of the world around me because of the years I spent in school. It was well worth the all-nighters and tests and papers.

8…. Working and the independence it grants me. I can pay all my bills and live in a manner I chose. I love that I don't have to depend on anyone for support. It makes me feel so liberated.

9…. Religion. Without my religion and my god I would be nothing. It gives me power to keep moving even when the world comes crashing down upon me.

10…. A desire for self-improvement. I am truly grateful that I've never been content to be the same imperfect person I am. I keep pushing myself to learn more and grow better each day I'm alive.

11…. Basic needs that are more than taken care of: food, clothing, home. So many people struggle just to find a place to sleep and food to eat. I have more than I need, and often waste more than I should. I need to be more grateful for all that I do have.

12…. Love in my life and the love I'm learning to have for others. I have been blessed to know many amazing people, and even more blessed to have known their love. But I am also blessed to learn how to love others and share that love with them.

13…. Innate freedoms I have in America. I can think, speak, and act how I will without government influence. That is a right many have been denied, and I am truly grateful for it.

There are so many others that I can't begin to list here. I do, however, have a gratitude journal that I pull out from time to time. It helps me, especially when I'm down, to remember all the good that is in my life. May we all remember a little bit better all the beauty around us.

Just say no

I'm so bad. I keep spending money when I know I shouldn't. This weekend it was books, and then later I bought a whole bunch of lotions and face wash and things. Then today I had to buy another pair of really cute (and comfy) pajama pants. That was followed by a whole bunch of crafting stuff so I can make my apartment cute for winter.

My problem is that I have no self-control. I really don't. When I want something, I usually just go buy it. If it's a bigger, more expensive item, I'm generally pretty good about figuring out how much it'll cost me and then figuring out how to pay for it. But as in the case with my car, I spent money when I didn't need to, or at least spent more than I should have.

Often I can hold off on spending money, but if you get me into a store and in a spending mood, I can justify just about anything. I'm a bargain shopper, so I almost always get a really good deal on what I buy, but I need to keep myself away from the stores. That might not work so well with Christmas coming up, but I need to keep myself in check.

I'm the same with my eating habits. I'll be good for awhile and eat healthy, but then I see those sweets just sitting there at work asking me to eat them. How can I say no? That is exactly my point, though. I need to stop justifying everything and learn to say no when I know it's in my best interest. Especially with all the holiday treats that will soon start appearing everywhere I turn.

I need to make a goal to spend less money and eat less junk and more healthful foods. I can do this, I swear I can, but it's going to take some will power. I just hope I can remember where I put that.

It is good

Last night over dinner I had a realization--an epiphany if you will-- though it may seem obvious to everyone else. Life isn't perfect, but it is good. My life, in particular. I make mistakes, I can be unhappy, but overall it is good.

I appreciate the time I have on this earth--to learn, to live, to love. It comes with its own set of challenges, to be sure, but that doesn't mean it still can't be good.

I don't have to be famous, rich, perfect. It is enough that I can be happy with what I have and lead a full life. I have a family; I have friends; I have everything I need, really, so it is enough. I'm happy with what I have and what I am.

TT 16 My fuzzy co-workers

Well, this Thursday I thought I'd take a pseudo-visual tour of work by showing you many of the lovely furry faces I see every day. No, my co-workers don't need to shave (with one notable exception). I'm referring to the furry friends that live in the old barn where I work. You may think it strange that a book publisher works out of a barn converted to offices and is crawling with animals you would never find in an office setting. Yeah, well I do too. So here are thirteen of the cats and sheep where I work:

1…. Booger: I should probably start with the cat who thinks she owns the barn. Booger (and no, I'm not making that up) lets everyone know when she's hungry or tired or hungry. Her meow sounds like she's a chain smoker and is the most annoying noise I've ever heard come from an animal. I should have taken a video so everyone could understand what I'm talking about.

2…. Chubbs (aka Gray Coat, Gray Boy, Fatty): He has to be one of my favorite cats. (I only have three faves. What can I say? I'm a cat person, even though I'm allergic.) Anyway, he is the one cat that most of the people at work like. Every morning he has to come in for a cuddle, though I'm disappointed he didn't come see me this morning. He is also one of the fattest cats I've ever seen. I'm amazed he can still jump down from tables and chairs without breaking his legs. And yes, he is spoiled, as you can see by this photo.

3…. Cleona (aka Gerlinda, Erlinda): She's another of my favorites, though she has a very playful personality. She'll sit docilely on my lap for several minutes and then start attacking my arm for no reason. The other day when I was leaving work, she decided she wanted to come home with me, so she tried jumping in my car every time I tried to open the door. Well, she got bored with that after a minute and then decided to jump on top of my car. She then tried to jump inside from the top. She is a fun cat to have around, let me tell you.

4…. Rosie: Rosie is such a sweet little cat. She'll let anyone pet her and gets along well with the other cats, which is saying a lot. When I tell people we have a lot of cat fights at work, I don't mean the women. Her favorite new spot is on top of one co-worker's sweatshirt that she lays on the counter just for Rosie. The cat is so sweet tempered, she doesn't even mind it when I tease her. (As you can tell, she's my third favorite.)

5…. LK (or Little Kitty, aka Droolie): I haven't seen LK in a while, maybe because we kept trying to scare him away from us. Now we aren't really that mean. It has more to do with how LK drools. A lot. All over everything. One girl at work, before she realized just how much this cat drools, was holding him when all of a sudden she felt a huge wet spot on her shirt. Let's just say, I'm not terribly fond of that cat after getting drool all over my foot. Blech. Poor cat. No one wanted to be around him.

6…. Son of Booger (aka Sobe): This is one of Booger's sons. She had another one around here for a while, but he got ran over. No one will admit to it, though there are suspicions that the owner of the company may have done it. SoB has an annoying meow as well--something he inherited from his mom--though not nearly as annoying. He tends to keep to himself, so I don't know as much about him.

7…. Fancy Pants: Fancy Pants is one of the outside cats. She doesn't really like people all that much, but she's always hanging around outside. (We tend to pick up a lot of cats because there are bowls of food sitting outside the barn. Hey, if people offered me free food, I'd stick around too.)

8…. Short-haired black cat: I don't know if this cat has a name, but it's a cat that showed up outside one day. One person at work thinks she's pregnant, which is always a possibility. I can't imagine how many cats we'd have running around after that. (Note: We actually have all the cats spayed and neutered just so we don't have to deal with millions of cats running around. They'd probably take over the barn if we didn't.)

9…. Cat that looks like LK but doesn't drool: Another cat I see every day but don't know its name. It probably has one, but I haven't paid any attention. This cat is skittish around people as well.

10…. Spaz (aka Spaztic): Poor little Spaz was with us only for two weeks. She showed up one day, just a little kitten, who was hungry and feisty. She would growl if you got too close to her food, as she was as spazzy as her name implies. We left work on Friday and when we came back she was gone. We all hope she found a nice home, but I doubt that. She was definitely a good one for laughs, though, as you never knew what she would do next. She did have a hard time getting along with the other cats. Pretty much she'd just hiss at any cat--or person, for that matter--that she saw.

11…. Casper (aka White Cat, Crazy Kitty, Crack Kitty): We called this cat Crack Kitty because she acted like she was on crack. There was one time I startled her in the hallway and she took off running. She was going so fast, though, that when she tried to turn into someone's office, she slid the rest of the way down the hall. I thought it was very funny, but I felt bad for that cat because some of my co-workers thought she'd been abused before we got her. We don't know what happened to her, either, because she disappeared one day. I imagine she probably got hit by a car. Poor thing.

12…. Mabel: Now, there are other cats running around the barn, but I thought I'd switch gears and show you the other animals we have. At one time there used to be six sheep and even a horse and some cows, from what I hear. That was definitely long before my time there. Mabel isn't terribly friendly. She won't come if you hold out grass for her or do pretty much anything.

13…. Gilbert: The other sheep, Gilbert, doesn't really do much, either. They're sort of fun to look at, and every once in a while they take off running, but all they really do is sleep and eat. When I was interviewing for my job, they offered to give me the wool from the sheep when they sheared them. I turned them down because, although I do know how to spin wool into yarn, I don't like the whole washing-poop-and-dirt-and-grass-out-of-the-fleece part of the process. Wow, that's a long post. I'm sure none of you are that interested in all the animal antics that go on where I work, but hey, it makes me laugh.

Lo siento

My sister never wanted dolls, when she was little. For Christmas she usually asked for trucks or a baseball bat. I, on the other hand, was all girl--Barbies, dresses, makeup, anything and everything you'd think a little princess-in-training would want or require.

She played baseball and basketball and could be found around the TV with all the other boys watching college football. You couldn't have dragged me near the football games if my life depended on it. I much preferred dancing and gymnastics.

As we started to get older, I would think about boys and kissing, especially whenever my current crush was nearby. She didn't care much about boys, except when she could beat them at sports. Only once did I ever hear of her mentioning that she thought some boy was cute. That nearly sent me into shock.

Throughout our childhood, she always said she never wanted to get married and never, ever wanted to have kids. I always knew I wanted a family--someday. I planned on getting married after I'd had the chance to travel the world and have lots of boyfriends and do pretty much whatever I wanted before time came to settle down.

But when we moved on to high school, she started going out on dates. She had a couple boyfriends, though never anything serious. I wanted desperately to have a boyfriend, but nothing ever seemed to work out (read: the only guys who ever asked me out were complete nerds and not even close to my type).

Then one day she met a really weird guy (I can say that because he's the first to admit it). He left to serve a church mission for two years, and they soon started writing letters at least two or three times a week, even though they were supposed to limit it to only once a week. Soon enough he came home, and a short time later they were married.

I played the bridesmaid, and everyone started betting on how soon I would find my own match. Not in the near future, I told them, because I had plans that didn't involve marriage and kids for a long time.

My sister's ideas about marriage and children had slowly shifted, for her own reasons surely. Maybe growing up or maybe finally finding that one oddball who would fit her perfectly. (You know I'm kidding.) But whatever happened, she finally realized that she wanted the family she'd sworn off as a child and teen.

It always makes me laugh when I think about how adamant she was that she wouldn't get married, and she ended up married young at 20. And then I think of how I was the romantic one with aspirations to have boyfriends and love and everything else a girl dreams of, and I'm the one who is yet to be married (or even have a boyfriend) at age 26. Things never turn out the way we imagine when we're young.

That's especially true for my sister. She has been married for 7 years now, and she has yet to have children. What was once considered boring and unnecessary is now the only thing she really wants. A few weeks ago she called me to say she was pregnant, and her excitement was without bounds. Her husband had even started coming up with names (Carthok, Kontock, I can't remember, but something equally horrible.) They made so many plans for what they would do with the child, when they would bring it down for everyone to see, where the child would sleep.

If only their hopes could translate into reality. Today, my dad let me know she had miscarried again.

There was always the risk, what with her health problems, but they tried so diligently to avoid anything that would endanger the baby. She was even on bedrest for a time though she was just two months along. Now they have to start over, try again, and pray even harder.

I can understand, at least to some degree, of what it's like to be denied the one thing you truly want in life. Though I haven't miscarried, and I know I'll never know that kind of sorrow until it happens to me, I too have grieved over something I couldn't control. She wants children, but she has been unable to have them. I want a man to love me and so I can start my own family, but I have yet to find someone who can give me all I ask and need.

Each of us has hopes, dreams, desires--things we so desperately want but, for whatever reason, has been denied. I don't know when she will get her child. Neither do I know when it will be my turn to find love. Soon, I pray, for both our sakes. Until then, all I can tell her is that I do love her. She's the only sister I have, and though there are times when she ticks me off, I still care what happens to her. I'll be here, when you need me.

And until we both receive what our hearts' desire most, at least we know someone will always be there to complain to, and to laugh and cry with.

A new challenge

I found out about an monthlong event that really got me excited. It actually started two days ago, so I'm a little slow on the get-go, but there's still plenty of time for me to get started.

November is National Novel Writing Month, and I've decided to join the throngs of aspiring authors who will spend the month spewing out 50,000 words of a novel. That's about 125 pages, so it would probably only be the start of a good story, but I think I'm up to the challenge. Once before, while working on Surviving Eden, I wrote nearly 100 pages in a month's time, so I know I can do it. I'll just have to dedicate myself to writing and really focus on what I'm doing.

Part of the challenge is to write the story from the beginning, so my other project will have to sit on the back burner for a while. That's okay, though, since I've gone back and forth with research for these two different projects. The one I'll work on for the next month I haven't written at all, just researched. It'll be harder than Surviving Eden because it will be set in a historical period I only know bits and pieces about. That's why I spent the day at the library getting books on history and even a dictionary.

Maybe once I'll a little bit further into the project I'll explain a little bit about the story and the setting, but for now I'm going to leave you all in suspense. As a side note, my blogging may be sporadic if I'm spending so much time writing. But I'll make sure to check in every once in a while.

P.S. Thanks to my writing class, I've completely redone the first chapters of Surviving Eden. I'll post here when I've had a chance to update it on my other blog. You'll have to let me know what you think of the changes. Maybe I'll even put a link for the old and new versions so you can see what's different.