Starting over

There aren't any good, single, attractive guys my age left.

I realized this today while going to a barbecue put on by my singles church group. I looked around and all of the guys there were at least 2 years younger than me, many even more. And I'm not even that old.

The problem is that, living in Utah, there's an expectation for people to marry young. Girls are often 18 and guys about 21 when they start heading down the isle. Now that I'm a little older (26 isn't too old by any standard -- except in Utah) it's hard to find anyone my age to talk with or flirt with or even check out.

I know there are single men my age out there, I just don't know where to look. My sister broached the online dating thing for me, but that has lead absolutely nowhere. Most of the guys I've seen there are either creepy or nerdy or an unpleasant combination of both. Not really what I'm looking for in a date or a spouse.

Only problem is that the guys I'm seeing are much too young for me, both in years and maturity. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation.

I just need to get myself out there and figure out where all the single, good looking, professional guys are and start from there. If only it were that easy.

Financing my life

Today in church we had a really good presentation about financial planning. I know, it sounds odd for that to be the lesson at church, but I think our leaders were worried about all us singles running up credit card debt and making unwise money choices.

Overall I'm pretty good with my money. I have a little budget I use to figure out my needed expenses and make sure to pay those first. But I also have a tendency to buy things I really don't need. Generally, though, I try not to use my credit card at all and save a little every month and more when I can.

The reason this is in my thoughts is because now that I have a good job that will bring in more money, I would really love to move out. I've been living with my family for the past year and a half to get back on my feet after college. It's been a good thing, but it definitely is time to move on.

I need somewhere I can really call my own home and not my dad's house. I need somewhere I don't have to worry about following someone else's rules. I need somewhere I feel comfortable bringing my friends, even late at night. And most of all I need somewhere that doesn't make me feel stressed to be there, always worried that someone is going to start an argument. There haven't been as many fights lately, but the worry that one will never seems to leave.

Looking online, I did find a woman who owns her own home and is looking for a roommate. It really seems like it could be the right thing for me. The price is very reasonable and within my budget. I'd also like to live in a house, something that feels a little more like home. And it'll be a private bedroom with my own bathroom, exactly what I want.

This all relates to the church lesson because I tend worry about money. I love shopping, which can be a downfall, but I also want to save up enough every month that I won't have to worry if there ever was an emergency. I want it to be covered.

So I'm thinking and planning and working it all out in my head so I'll really be able to start up my life again. It'll be so good to feel like things are progressing. It's been so long.

Follower

I'm finally joining the real world. I've been waiting, now, for a few years. At first I mocked it, the people who were part of it just looked so funny. They always seemed so caught up in what they were doing that they took no notice of me. It seemed a little too exclusive for me.

But then a year ago I started to wonder. Why was it so appealing? Why did everyone want to be part of it? Then I realized the charm was too much to resist. I was going to become a follower.

Yes, my friends, I am buying my first iPod.

It may seem like I'm a late adapter to the newest technology, and that would have to be a resounding yes I am. Not from lack of desire, most of the time. More from lack of funds to buy all the pretty little toys available. I have to pick and choose where I'm going to invest all my hard-earned cash.

I fell in love with the special-edition red iPod. Not many other people have one, that I've seen, and I always love to be different. One reason I don't jump on bandwagons very quickly. It takes me awhile to get used to the idea of being like everyone else.

So, since it's time for my annual buy-myself-a-great-birthday-present-since-no-one-else-will, I'm going to march myself down to the Apple store right now and purchase a beautiful, shiny piece of metal that will be the answer to my music-laden dreams.

Update: After visiting the crazy busy Apple store, I decided the Nano was too small (sadly, the only kind the red comes in), so instead I ordered the video iPod online. Cheaper, yes, but a much longer wait for me. So, alas I will still be iPodless for another 2 weeks. Sigh.

TT 5 Books I need to read

Thirteen books waiting for me to read them. 1…. Emma. I've read just about every other book by Jane Austen. I'm only missing this one and Persuasion. 2…. 1776. I've heard David McCullough speak, and if he writes that well, the book is sure to be riveting. 3…. The Silmirillion. Others have told me this is the quintessential book by Tolkien, but also the hardest to understand. I'm a little afraid to start it. 4…. Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo. I love Harry Potter-type books and this is supposed to be a good one. Plus Obert Skye is from my state. Gotta support the locals. 5…. Ulysses. I've never read any James Joyce, but this is one of those revolutionary books every one should read, or so I've heard. 6…. Wuthering Heights. In high school I read everything but the last chapter. I've been in suspense for years. It's probably time to end that. 7…. The Joy Luck Club. Some ladies at work said this is a must-read. I did like the movie, even though I can't remember most of it. 8…. Love in the Time of Cholera. I have a Spanish-language copy on my bookshelves, but I'm thinking it might be better to start out in English. My Spanish is a little rusty. 9…. Paradise Lost. I would really like to read this, but a whole book in verse seems daunting. 10…. The Great Gatsby. Reading some excerpts from the book really makes me want to see how beautiful F. Scott Fitzgerald's writing really is. 11…. The Confessions of St. Augustine. Another book sitting on my shelf waiting for me to dive in. 12…. The Age of Innocence. I bought this book a few years ago and have neglected it since. 13…. The Marquise of O--. A book on writing I've been reading discusses this book and gives such a mysterious intro that now I have to find out how it ends.

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On with life

So, I thought my life would calm down once I was working only one job. Yeah, not so much. I have more time, but what with my friends all wanting to spend time with me now that I have evenings free, people trying to set me up on dates now that I can actually go on them, my birthday this week and me catching a nasty something with a terrible cough (I really hope it isn't bronchitis), things are still a little crazy.

Anyhow, I have yet to blog about my wonderful new job. At first, things were going so fast and they threw me into the work, baptism-by-fire style, that I was a little overwhelmed. Just a little. But now that I'm starting to get the hang of it, I find that I really do enjoy it. Time seems to fly by when I'm at work, what with me editing manuscripts and books and filing things and learning how to use Quark and InDesign.

The funny thing about where I work, though, isn't the books we publish -- it's the million cats that live in the old converted barn that is the office. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little. There aren't a million cats, only a dozen -- at least. I'm not kidding, the other day I started counting and stopped when I got to ten, but I'm sure there are others. No one there seems to know how many there are either. And that in addition to the sheep.

It may sound like I live out in the boonies, but it really isn't. The city just grew up around the old farmstead and they've held out, even though the barn is now surrounded by a brand-new subdivision of $400,000 homes. It sounds incongruous, but there it is.

The bad part about all of this, the only bad part really, is that I'm allergic to cats. Really allergic. I also have asthma, so I have to make sure I don't touch any of the cats or I could have an asthma attack.

So far I've been able to shoo away the cats successfully, but they keep coming back. One cat, which everyone calls 'the white cat,' gives me an angry, what-do-you-think-you're-doing-pushing-me-out look every time I won't let him into the office where I work. It feels like the cats own the place but are condescending enough to allow us to work there. I find it rather funny, especially when we open up random cabinets and shelves to find a cat sitting inside.

I can't say that I've ever worked somewhere quite so quirky, but the people are nice and I enjoy it. So I say, hey, whatever works.

I'm back

Wow. It's been a crazy 2 weeks. My new job is going well, but working 2 jobs at the same time is wearing me out. I get up at 7 a.m., go to work, drive to my next job, get off work and drive home at 11 p.m. and go to bed as soon as I can. That's been my life for the past week. Not terribly exciting, but hey, it's keeping me busy.

Now for my report on my lovely camping trip (including photos). It was really nice to get away, but I always seem to forget that I never sleep much while camping. Something about sleeping in the hard ground with the wind knocking the tent about all night long isn't very refreshing. Other than that, it was great.

We spent one day hiking in Zion National Park (I'm on the left), which is beautiful but very crowded, and we weren't even there during peak season. The hike to see the Emerald Pools (at right) showed me just how out of shape I am.

The next day we traveled on a whirlwind tour of national parks through southern Utah. After Zion, we drove through Grand Staircase-Escalante, past Bryce Canyon and stopped for a bit in Capitol Reef.

If I had a chance to spend more time in any one of those parks, I would say Capitol Reef would be my preference. It was absolutely gorgeous, red rock walls on either side of you as you drive through the canyon. Absolutely breathtaking. While there we also say some ancient petroglyphs (left) carved on the canyon walls. I've always been fascinated by the ancient Americans and their culture. For a while I even wanted to be an archaeologist.

All in all, it was a great trip, though the best park about getting home after camping is taking a long, hot shower and scrubbing off several days worth of grime.

But in my head, I'm already planning the next weekend trip down south to spend more time in the desert. There's something so addicting about it, being surrounded by such beauty. Nature can be a terrible creature, but when you see it at its best, there's something so incredibly powerful and sublime about it.

Yay for me!

Yay! I got the job, the one I really wanted. It is perfect for me because a) I'll have benefits, b) I'll get paid more, c) I won't have to commute and d) it's during the day so I can actually have a social life now. Good on all counts.

The only drawback at the moment is that for 2 weeks I'll be working both jobs, day and night. So that means I won't have time to do anything but work and sleep, hence, if I don't write much in the next little while, that's the reason. But that also means more money to play since I'll be getting 2 paychecks instead of one.

Now I'm just stressed about telling my current work that I'm quitting. I hate doing that. I always feel so guilty. But it must be done, so that's all there is to it.

But I have a new job! Yay for me!

A little neglected

I feel bad. I've been neglecting my poor little blog. And I'm sure no one else has come to visit it. Poor thing, all alone.

Well, I've been busy this week, and it's a good thing. A very good thing. I had my interview today and I think it went really well. I have to finish a copy editing test I've been taking at home. Basically it's editing a few pages of a manuscript, but I hope I catch enough mistakes that they'll hire me.

One good note is that during the interview they said they'd wait until after I had taken the test and then see if they wanted to schedule a second interview, but when I checked my email this afternoon, they asked me to come in tomorrow instead. That is really good news for me. Now I just have to finish the test and email it back to them early tomorrow. If all goes well, I could have a new job very soon. Yay!

Other than that, I'm planning to go camping this weekend. But as I was checking the weather forecast, it says the area where we're planning to camp has a good chance of snow on Thursday. Boo, I say. Boo to that. So we're revising our plans and going further south where it should be a little warmer. We'll have to play it by ear, but who know where we'll end up. As long as I can get away, though, that's all I care about.

Words that harm

My experiences with online dating have been mixed, to say the least, but I was shocked to read a message I received this evening from a man I had politely rejected earlier. Instead of taking it in stride that I was not interested him and moving on to greener pastures, he took it upon himself to hurt me as much as possible.

His message?

"Those wrinkles under your eyes make me think you would have looked to old for
me anyway."

This coming from a 40-year-old man.

I can't say I wasn't hurt by his cruel words, because I was. But I was more upset to see that yet again someone thinks it justified to cause another hurt since his own feelings had been injured by the rejection.

When did it become acceptable, even appropriate, to lash back at someone who'd rejected you?

I was sorely tempted to respond in kind, but I realized I would only be continuing a cycle of violent remarks. No one deserves to be abused, not with words, not in any way. Had I replied back I would have been as culpable as he.

Instead I aired the grievance to my co-workers, who gave him a thorough lashing even though he wasn't around to hear it. But one of the ladies made a remark that really struck me.

"He'd never have said such things if you'd been talking to him face to face."

He probably wouldn't have, would he? So my next question is, why is it okay to hurt someone by email when we would never dream of being so cruel in person? Have we, in our zeal for open communication and frankness, allowed ourselves to become so callous to the feelings of others?

It shouldn't matter if a person is sitting in the next room or a world away. We have to be kind and loving and forgiving of others or we threaten to lose our humanity. We become slave to ourselves and our need feel superior to others, at whatever the cost.

A thought by Lynne Truss, in her book "Talk to the Hand" really strikes me.

"If we looked inside ourselves and remembered how insignificant we are, just for
a couple minutes a day, respect for other people would be an automatic result."

That is what the correspondence was lacking. Respect. If he had respected me as a person, he would never have been so cruel over a natural result of dating. If he had respected the agency I have to choose or reject him, he would have understood that it was never meant to harm, though harm was unwittingly done.

I can't say that I'm completely blameless. There have been times when, hurt by something someone said or did, I struck back with some witty retort intended to bring them down. But I'm older now and see just how selfish that is. I'm trying to mend my ways and show others I care about their feelings, not just my own.

I just wish society as a whole would see that, see how much damage we are doing by applauding the Sean Hannitys of this world whose only purpose is to cause harm by their biting words. I wish they could feel the hurt they cause and see that it serves no purpose other than to boost their own egos.

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now, but please, the next time you are tempted to lash back at someone, no matter the cause, stop and think of how much hurt you will be causing them and learn to swallow that caustic remark.

Good news

I cannot even express how excited I am! I just got a job interview with a book publishing firm that's located in my hometown. I've been searching for months for a position similar to this. It really is my dream job.

Previously I'd worked as an intern for a book publisher, and I really enjoyed the work. I've been hoping to run across a similar job since I graduated 2 years ago, but they are very scarce, and coveted, in Utah. I really want this job, and I hope my passion for the work comes across as I interview. Every time I think about the possibility of having this job, I get so excited.

Yesterday I had to take a walk after I sent in my resume because I had so much energy to burn. I might have to do the same today. In my head I keep praying, "Please let me get this job. Please, oh, please let me get this job."

This really would be what I've been hoping and praying for, something to get me back on my feet after so much stress and disappointment this past year. I need for something good to happen in my life, to make me feel like everything will be okay, that it will all work out for the best. This is good. Really good.

Getting away

I need to get away. I really do. With all the stress (real and imagined) I've been dealing with lately, a little vacation is in order. This year, since I'm still saving up for my printemps au Paris trip, I am hoping to take some smaller minibreaks so that I don't go postal and kill all my family and friends in one fatal swoop. One can only hope.

My dilemma enters, however, when I consider that my family had been planning such an excursion in 2 weeks time, but pretty much everyone has bailed on me. My whole family, for some reason or other, has decided that work is more important than my sanity. How selfish of them. So with 2 weeks to go, I'm trying to organize some friends to go down to the desert for the weekend with me.

I really hope at least someone else comes along, because otherwise I'll be relegated to going by myself. That probably isn't the safest thing for me, but I'm getting desperate.

I still have hope, though, since one friend says she wants go with me and others who are seeing if they can come. The other problem is convincing people who don't usually go camping that spending a few days out in the desert, hours from civilization and without running water or a functioning toilet, is one of the best experiences you can have.

People have lost their appreciation for the exquisite beauty in nature. I want to get away from the crowds from time to time. I want to go where the only sounds heard are the birds sounding a wake up call in the morning and the coyotes baying at the moon at night. There are times when I need to get away from the world and find myself once again.

And who can blame me for wanting to get away with incredible vistas like these? There is something so peaceful and tranquil about the desert. I love the high red-rock walls that surround the valleys, the delicate structures and paintings left by the canyon's ancient inhabitants. A visit each spring to the swell has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember, and for good reason. There is something spectacular about the area that renews me each time I see it.

I'll find a way to get there. It'll be good for the soul. And even better if I can convince anyone else to make the journey with me.

Words

This weekend has been good for me. I've spent the past two days listening to leaders in my church give instruction, and much of it was exactly what I needed to hear. One talk, in particular, struck me since it directly relates to something I've been pondering a lot lately.

The speaker said that we need to be careful about the words we use. We shouldn't criticize or demean others, especially those we love. And a big part of that is making sure we are thinking positively so that we are less likely to speak harshly to others.

His words made me think of how I speak to others. That's really an area where I need to work on myself. It starts with how I think of others and making sure I only have the best of thoughts about friends and family, and even about people I don't know very well. Because if I think negatively about someone, I'm more likely to say something unkind. So I really need to watch myself, and what I think and say.

Sometimes when I try to stop being negative it feels like I'm trying to extract a poison from my soul. Lately when I start to get negative, I stop what I'm thinking and instead imagine that all of the poison is dripping out of me. I do that with stress, too. I start with the top of my head and imagine it all draining down, down to my fingertips and onto the floor. If only it were that easy. But maybe by thinking it, I am letting the poison drip out of me. Well, it's something to work on, and as I get better at it, my life is sure to improve.