Goals, part 3

Okay, so I got a little off my goals. Not completely, mind you, but I need to get everything back on track. The easiest way for me to do that is blog about it because then other people know and I can't pretend I don't have goals that way.

The biggest one I noticed today was my little problem with spending too much money. I love to shop, I really do, but instead of window shopping lately I've been buying things. I have a wonderful excuse for everything I've purchased, but no more.

I have to be good, and that means borrowing books and movies from the library instead of buying them. I don't need any more makeup or hair products, either since I have more than enough. Replacing something is allowed, but only if it is essential. Bringing lunch to work instead of eating out or buying something frozen will also keep my budget trimmed.

So the moral of all this is that I need to stop giving in so much and be more disciplined. Which leads to my next goal. I'm actually doing fairly good about eating better, but I need to continue with that. I also planned to work out six days a week. More often than not that translates into three or four days. I need to be a little more diligent, but if my dance audition last night is any indication of how hard I'll be working on the musical, I should be in good shape.

The last big goal of mine was to finish writing the first draft of my book by the end of March. Yeah, that didn't happen. So my new goal is a continuation of the previous one—finish the first draft by the end of April. I'm a lot closer now than I was at the beginning of March since I did have a couple good weeks where I was writing every day. Then I got sick and slacked off, though I can't remember in which order.

All of this, my friends, comes down to the same thing: discipline. I need it. A lot of it.

New life

As we learned earlier, I have a need to change things around come spring. This change comes in the form of a new skin for my little bloggie. I hope you like it, since I really do. I've finally gotten away from those boring templates offered by Blogger and into something more creative and lively.

Which kind of reminds me of the sparkly, lipstick-red dress I had to wear tonight as part of my audition/callbacks for Beauty and the Beast. (Not really, but I thought it was a nice sequeway.) Let's just say, I really hope I get picked to perform in the kick line. I have a lot of work to do to get my kicks high enough and my splits low enough, but oh, it was so much fun learning that dance tonight. Sadly, I won't find out which part I got until Monday.

I'm sure I'll be thinking about my audition a lot the next few days as my muscles scream and my knees turn a violent shade of purple. So much fun, though. I've missed this, performing and such. I'm excited for the next few months. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy myself.

Sick with the travel bug

So, I'm getting tired of sticking in the same place, probably because of the winter. I don't travel much when it's cold and snowy outside, though that would probably be the best time to get away somewhere warm.

Anyway, I'm planning a few small weekend trips, camping in two weeks, then again three weeks after that, and then a month later I'm going to Book Expo America. Yes, my friends, work is paying for me to fly to L.A. so I can wander around a giant convention center filled with books, publishers, authors, and everything else you can possibly imagine that is book related. Let's just say I'm a touch excited, especially when I found out about all the free books and other goodies I'm hearing about. Can we say heaven? It makes me sigh to think of it. (Plus the added bonus of schmoozing with book people for, say, a still-unfinished book that I hope to get published some day soon. Yeah, it's a good thing.)

The thing that got me thinking of all this, though, is that I haven't gone off on a grand adventure in some time. I really want to get far away somewhere for several days. Somewhere new and exciting, and most importantly, somewhere I can explore and get totally lost in. I'd signed up for a beautiful little credit card that accrues sky miles, and I'm now at 20,000—only 5,000 more to go before I can get a free trip anywhere in the continental U.S. I was sad when I realized Hawaii wouldn't be included in that.

But that still leaves plenty of other places for me to explore. There's the South, which always sounds so interesting to me. There are several authors I've been working with from Georgia and the Carolinas, and I think those would be fun places to spend some time, especially along the coast. Then there's New York, a given for an incredible time.

I'm ruling out anywhere I can drive, so the West is out. But that still leaves New England, and oh, in the fall it would be incredible. So many places, but I can't decide. Plus, I'll need a traveling buddy because I won't go alone—that would get old very quickly—so I'll have to pick a place where someone would want to travel with me.

I've still got plenty of time to think about it, though, since I'm still a good four months away from accruing enough miles. Until then, I'll take my little weekend trips and enjoy the sights closer to home. And maybe if I have a lot of will power, I'll save them all up for a trip to Europe. That probably won't happen, though, since I'd have to double the miles needed. I'm just not patient enough for that.

When is cheating really cheating?

Does cheating on my hair stylist make me an adulteress? It feels like it. I have this burning guilt in my chest, not because I cheated this once. That, in my view, is fairly excusable since I was fed up with my bulky, wild hair. No, I had to get it taken care of immediately—for my sanity—and contacting my regular stylist can turn into a complicated, never-ending game of phone tag.

I feel guilty because, deep down, I really want to cheat again. No, not just cheat again. I want to divorce my current stylist so I can move on to the new one. (I must say, she did a great job with my hair tonight.) But instead of fessing up that I want to change stylists, I'm thinking of just not going to the old one anymore. Does that make me cruel?

Problem with this whole scenario is that my hair stylist has been a friend for a long time and has been cutting my hair since I was in high school. I really would feel bad about hurting her feelings by not going to her anymore. I just liked having someone cut my hair who was the same age as me. The new girl is up on current trends and doesn't cut my hair like I'm someone much older—and less in tune with modern styles.

It's all so complicated. I'm wondering, as a possible solution, if I could rotate hairstylists. Does that work, or would my friend know someone else has touched my hair, just like a wife can smell another woman's perfume on her husband's shirt? Ah! I don't know. Well, I have six weeks to think it over and decide. No need to feel guilty. Not at all.

Happy early birthday to me!

It's still a month away, but I couldn't wait any longer. It's a yearly ritual now—after years of not getting much for my birthday from anyone else, I decided to get myself a birthday present. That way I'm never disappointed because I always get exactly what I want. Last year was my first iPod; the year before a digital camera. This year, instead of new technology, I decided to update my bedroom.

Yes, my friends, I've got a new bed set, bookshelf, clock, lamp, decorations, etc. I had a little too much fun shopping (when I say "too much fun" it usually means I spent more than I should), but I'm so excited to put it all together.

I've been bored with my life for a while now. I think in big part, it's the winter doldrums. Come spring, I'm ready for a new life, new . . . something. So this year, my new __ (fill in the blank)__ is a new look for my living space. I can't do much about the rest of my apartment since my roommate has already decorated it (I won't even get into how tacky—I mean, different—her sense of decor is). That leaves my bedroom. Instead of only being the place where I sleep at night, it will now become my sanctuary from the world. I plan to enjoy every moment in that room (and there is nothing dirty implied).

I know you'll all want to see just how it looks, so after I put it all together, I'll update this post with a picture so everyone can enjoy my new haven.

Update: Here's a photo of my beautiful new room. I still have some work to do on the walls, which are rather bland, but otherwise it looks nice. Only downfall to the new comforter is that it is jacard, i.e. dry-clean only. I'll just have to be careful.

I need sleep

I'd like to sit here and blog for a while but, alas, yet again I am too tired to think. I did get some sleep last night, though, after the sleeping pills I took kicked in. I bought some after work because I was not going to go through another night like the one before—staring at the ceiling and walls for 8 stinking hours trying to fall asleep. (Not really, I had my eyes closed the whole time willing myself to sleep, but you get my drift.)

I always forget how long it takes my body to get back to normal after a missed night of sleep. Too long, I say. There should be some magic fix for this, or at least some other kind of pill I can pop. So yes, tonight I am vegging out, watching some flicks and going to bed early. Sleeping pills, anyone?

TT20 Things I've left unsaid

So I only got 1 hour sleep last night (new medication's and their side effects, grrr. . . ), so if this isn't completely lucid, you understand. I did, however, write this a few weeks ago, so it should be fairly coherent. (I also stole this idea from Sognatrice at Bleeding Espresso.)

And since I can't think of a better intro, here are thirteen things I've left unsaid:

1…. You never even tried to love me.

2…. Sometimes I wish I'd never met you.

3…. It's not all about you.

4…. Stop judging me.

5…. I wish you were still here for me. I need you.

6…. Just look at me!

7…. Could you ever love me?

8…. Let me finish—stop interrupting!

9…. Get over yourself.

10…. I need you more than I'll ever admit.

11…. Love me for who I am, not who you want me to be.

12…. Oh, grow up.

13…. Sometimes I just want everyone to leave me alone.

*If you know me personally and are reading this: I promise, I never thought any of these things at you.

Life lessons from Dr. Seuss

Sometimes, I really don't know what I'm feeling. At times there are so many emotions coursing through my beleaguered brain that I can't separate one from the other. Then there are moments when I can't actually place a finger on what I feel. I'm in one of the latter moods at the moment.

It's not necessarily a bad feeling, more a curiosity on my part. Sometimes I seem to feel everything, but sometimes I feel almost nothing. Maybe I'm alone in this. I don't think so, but it's not something that is easily described, so most people don't try.

There's a lot about myself that I don't understand. After much emotional turmoil in my past, I've tried hard to figure out who I am. I've come to realize that I am one big ball of complexity. I can be gentle and kind, angry and explosive, shy and quiet, outgoing and emotive. Of all the people who should know me best, I often know the least.

I may never figure out all the little quirks and idiosyncrasies about myself, but at least I'm trying. An important part of my quest to figure myself out is my desire to like what I find. I don't always, but if I did I wouldn't be human.

There are things about myself that I'll never share with another human being because of fear or shame. But there are other parts of myself I wish everyone would come to know and love. I've come to look deep inside at all that is there: good, bad, painful, and beautiful. I still need to keep looking.

I've yet to figure out who I am at the core, but I feel good with what I've found so far. As Dr. Seuss says, it is better to be me than a can or a ham or even a bottle of jam.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you."

And that is a good thing. A very good thing.

Goals, cont.

I am still computerless, but I decided that since I have to puppy-sit today (because my dad and stepmom are in Argentina) I'll spend the afternoon working on their computer.

I also have a new goal, one I would have shared with all of you sooner (stupid computer!). I decided a week ago that i just need to get up and moving with my book. No more procrastinating, no more stressing or overanalyzing. This month I am going to finish the first draft of my book.

I got the idea from a writing book at Barnes and Noble, which shared some very helpful hints on writing a novel in 30 days. The biggest of those, for me at least, was to just write. Don't worry about tangents, don't fret over character or plot development. Those things are all important, but not as important as just writing it all down. (One good trick is to keep a sheet of paper handy to jot down things you want to develop later and where you want to stick them, then forget about it and move on with the writing.)

The flow of writing is key to getting it all done within a month. I'm not going to worry as much about the little details, and I can go through and clean up the phrasing later. The most important thing for me now is to get it all down on paper (and then into the computer).

I've also decided that I need a special treat after these 31 days are up, whether or not I finish everything. I don't know what that will be yet, but I need some little carrot in front of me to motivate me to keep going.

So far I've done pretty well. Yesterday I took the evening off to play, but I'm limiting my activities, otherwise. My goal is to write a chapter a day, six days a week. That's very feasible considering most of my chapters are around 10 pages or less. I'm doing well with it: three chapters in three days.

Honestly, it's getting easier the more I do it. Hopefully my efforts now will translate into better working habits for the future.

So if I don't blog much, even after I get my new computer, this is the reason why. Which means I need to stop procrastinating and get to writing. I'm hoping to get caught up today from yesterday since I've the whole afternoon/evening in front of me--without interruption.