On the wings of hope

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

How long has it been since I've truly hoped? I can't remember, it seems so long. I had hope this summer -- summer's warm rays seem to bring it out in abundance -- but winter seems to steal my hope away.

I feel hope again, even in the chillest land of winter. I want to keep it with me, like a fire burning bright in my hands that only I can see. It keeps me warm when everything else seems cold.

I hope for a beautiful life with a loving husband and caring children. But it seems my lot in life to wait, to wait and see, always expecting miracles but never realizing them. All too often despair has driven my hope away.

Though I cannot see how my life will turn out, I can hope for a better future. That peace, contentment, espoir, will keep me going when all else appears lost.

I will hope. I will remember my beautiful dreams and constantly seek them. It will happen, someday, but until then all I can do is hope.

Finding the spirit

I've lost the Christmas spirit. The past few weeks I've noticed that no matter how many carols I listened to, no matter how many presents I wrapped, and no matter how hard I tried to feel that quiet comfort the holiday usually brings, it was nowhere to be found.

I tried to tell myself that it had to be something, there had to be some key that I was missing. I looked to the Bible story of Christ's miraculous birth, yet still there was nothing. A piece of my heart was missing.

So today I made a goal to find the Christmas spirit because I knew it had to be somewhere near. I knew that with family all around celebrating the holiday some of it was bound to rub off on me.

Finally, after all my searching, I realized what I had earlier missed. Giving is the heart of Christmas. Try though I might, I fretted about the presents I would receive and I worried if the presents I gave were big enough to make my friends and family happy. I worked so hard to make Christmas perfect that I lost sight of what it really meant in my life.

It means family. It means loving for the sake of love. It means giving of yourself, your whole self, your true self, and not the false self we often try to hoist off on others. It means being you with the people you love because that is who they want to be with.

I'm learning. The process is rather difficult at times, but at least this year I learned, if a little late, that the true Christmas spirit lies in loving others. That is a gift indeed.

Where do I go from here?

My life is so confusing at the moment. I'm not sure where to turn or in which direction I should go. I always wonder why life has to be like this, to take so much from me. I've been trying to decide what I want out of life. I'm single, but I want a family. I'm content, but I want to find joy.

But I'm at peace right now with how everything is going, which is not something I can normally say. I know it'll work out in the end. I feel the calm assurance that no matter what happens, it's the right thing and I'll be happy for choosing to live my life this way.

The thing that set me off about my situation is that I decided to start looking for a new job. I've been at my current job for a year now, and it is something I enjoy. The only problem is that they only have me working part time, meaning they don't want to give me benefits. And in a few months I'll be too old to be included on my family's insurance anymore.

So I have a catalyst working in my life right now. For a while I had let things go where they would and not do anything to change my situation because I was content. I can't do that anymore, and I'm okay with that. I want change in my life, I crave it. I need to do something that makes me feel as if I'm in control of my destiny, though it may only be that I'm choosing to follow a predetermined plan. Either way, I'm fine with that.

I'm not sure how things will turn out, but I know that no matter what, I'll be fine. I'm not alone. My happiness depends not on my situation or on others, but on the knowledge that I am loved and everything will turn out for my good.

This is peace...

Wisdom

I want to be wise and kind and learned and smart. There are so many things I want to be. I want to change myself and transform into the best person possible. Some may say that my goals are too high; I've always been a perfectionist, and perfection is hard to come by. I know I may never be perfect in life, but at least if I'm reaching for that goal, I'll get closer than if I sat by and did nothing.

I'm not perfect, though I wish I could be. I'm not the wisest person in the world, though I try to learn from my mistakes and become wiser than before. I'm not the kindest soul, but I have a desire to love, which often makes all the difference. I'm not a lot of things, but what I am is driven and full of passion and an interesting person to be around.

Those aren't bad things, but so often in this world, people like me are taken for granted. People don't always appreciate the many fine talents I possess and the keen way in which my mind works. I approach life from a different angle than anyone I've met, but that shouldn't make me strange so much as unique.

I love learning and knowledge and will continue to seek it out in whatever way possible. I only hope that I am able to retain the knowledge I gather and learn to apply important lessons in my life. It is the only way that I'll improve.

Once again...

I'm back, after a short absence. I've decided that I should take up my blog once again after deleting it more than 6 months ago. Though I was a tad rash to delete all of my entries from earlier, instead of trimming out the ones I didn't want people to see, I plan to start anew. Much has changed in my life, but alas, much is still the same. I need perspective, which is something I only seem to find while writing. With life as my muse, I am able to capture the thoughts and feelings I can't seem to grasp otherwise.

My life, however, is still stuck in the same place it has been in for the past year. I want change in my life. I crave the ability to move mountains, even if they only appear to be ant hills from where I sit. I need something in my life that I can't quite express with words--the ability to act, to do something, to change who I am for the better.

Who knows what will come in the future; I only know that I want to live my life fully instead of the shell of a life it is now. I need peace and I need comfort. Most of all I need understanding. It will come in time, of that I am sure, but waiting for that time is what is killing me now. When will I find peace? I pray it is soon. I need it so desperately.