While looking through some old emails, I stumbled upon this little gem of a forwarded message. I generally hate getting them, but I loved the sentiment in this one, even years later. As with any chain message, I have no idea who the original author is or where it originated.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE one old love she can imagine going back to, and one who reminds her how far she has come.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a youth she's content to leave behind.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE one friend who always makes her laugh and one who lets her cry.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE eight matching plates, goblets with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to quit a job, break up with a lover, confront a friend without ruining the friendship—and how to change a tire.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW when to try harder and when to walk away.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW how to live alone even if she doesn't like it.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Rules
As I write this, I sit at the window of a high-speed train blazing past the French countryside. My time here is nearly done. Two months gone and I'm not sure what they mean yet. Some things aren't known for a long time. Others we ignore for far too long.
I used to think that to be successful, you have to live according to The Rules. These Rules can be anything as long as, according to your culture, this is How You Should Live. I tried so hard to have a happy, fulfilled life, but for some reason, I couldn't, at least not completely.
Then came a time when I realized I could actually abandon The Rules and be an even happier person. I'm not saying I abandoned my desire to succeed. Instead, I realized that what my society tells me is a good life is not what makes my life good.
Let me explain.
In the States, we are drilled with the importance of the College Education, Stable Career, Retirement Plan, Good Credit Score, Home Ownership, and the Nice Car. These are all hard and fast Rules for Good Middle Class Citizens. At least that's what we're trained to believe.
I used to think that to be successful, you have to live according to The Rules. These Rules can be anything as long as, according to your culture, this is How You Should Live. I tried so hard to have a happy, fulfilled life, but for some reason, I couldn't, at least not completely.
Then came a time when I realized I could actually abandon The Rules and be an even happier person. I'm not saying I abandoned my desire to succeed. Instead, I realized that what my society tells me is a good life is not what makes my life good.
Let me explain.
In the States, we are drilled with the importance of the College Education, Stable Career, Retirement Plan, Good Credit Score, Home Ownership, and the Nice Car. These are all hard and fast Rules for Good Middle Class Citizens. At least that's what we're trained to believe.
So I did that. I graduated from college, had a good (albeit low-paying) job, bought a dependable car, started my 401(k), and kept perfect credit. I should have been on the path to Success and Fulfillment. I wasn't. For whatever reason, my life felt missing.
People who Preach the Rules often mean well, trying to show a proven path to success and happiness. Meaning well is not the same as knowing better. For a long time, I thought it did. It's been so ingrained in me, this cultural Path to Happiness, that I feared deviating from it, that it would bring ruin if I did. Fortunately, though it felt very unfortunate at the time, something forced me off that path. I'm very glad it did.
As a child I dreamed of faraway places, of living as a world-traveler who doesn't need the stability of a Career with accompanying Retirement Plan to know that life is good. I dreamed of working hard at whatever I wanted and what suited me best in that moment. Those kinds of dreams are scary for most people. They imply Risk and The Unknown. People who believe in The Rules can be afraid of Failure, and thus, afraid to do anything to upset the balance that is central of The Rules. It's how it's done, after all. At least that how we're to believe it's supposed to be done.
People who Preach the Rules often mean well, trying to show a proven path to success and happiness. Meaning well is not the same as knowing better. For a long time, I thought it did. It's been so ingrained in me, this cultural Path to Happiness, that I feared deviating from it, that it would bring ruin if I did. Fortunately, though it felt very unfortunate at the time, something forced me off that path. I'm very glad it did.
As a child I dreamed of faraway places, of living as a world-traveler who doesn't need the stability of a Career with accompanying Retirement Plan to know that life is good. I dreamed of working hard at whatever I wanted and what suited me best in that moment. Those kinds of dreams are scary for most people. They imply Risk and The Unknown. People who believe in The Rules can be afraid of Failure, and thus, afraid to do anything to upset the balance that is central of The Rules. It's how it's done, after all. At least that how we're to believe it's supposed to be done.
Please don't infer anything about my thoughts on people who live according to the Rules. For those who find happiness within the structure, I cheer for them. Truly. I have many family members and friends who prescribe to these Rules and lead wonderful lives that bring them just what they need. I'm not speaking to them today. They have found what brings them fulfillment.
Instead, I address those who have tried to live as society says but still can't seem to find what it is that completes them. If they're ready—and in a position to take some very big risks, because the life of the dreamer can be incredibly risky—then I invite them to listen some more.
My life was forced off the path of Stability due to severe illness. To this day, many family members and friends think it was "all in my head," that illness involving stress and its sometimes severe consequences is due to some deficiency. People live the Rules and find Happiness from them every day. Why couldn't I?
I tried to explain then what I didn't even know yet, but even now they still don't understand. For them, the path was easy: Follow The Rules and contentment will undoubtedly follow. But it didn't.
I broke with The Rules at that moment, though I didn't know or realize it at the time. I chose a difficult path that held a lot of uncertainty. Still plenty of stress, but a much different kind. This was pressure placed on me because of my own desires to succeed, not my attempts to live up to someone else's expectations. That's what I always did when I had a Stable Job. I don't function well with a boss because I never feel like I'm at liberty to do what I think best; I'm always shackled by their expectations. While many people thrive in that kind of culture, I languished.
After I started breaking the Rules, something in me changed. I found a renewed passion in my life, something that had been quietly imprisoned while I whittled away at outside expectations. The moment my will touched freedom, I couldn't go back.
Instead, I address those who have tried to live as society says but still can't seem to find what it is that completes them. If they're ready—and in a position to take some very big risks, because the life of the dreamer can be incredibly risky—then I invite them to listen some more.
My life was forced off the path of Stability due to severe illness. To this day, many family members and friends think it was "all in my head," that illness involving stress and its sometimes severe consequences is due to some deficiency. People live the Rules and find Happiness from them every day. Why couldn't I?
I tried to explain then what I didn't even know yet, but even now they still don't understand. For them, the path was easy: Follow The Rules and contentment will undoubtedly follow. But it didn't.
I broke with The Rules at that moment, though I didn't know or realize it at the time. I chose a difficult path that held a lot of uncertainty. Still plenty of stress, but a much different kind. This was pressure placed on me because of my own desires to succeed, not my attempts to live up to someone else's expectations. That's what I always did when I had a Stable Job. I don't function well with a boss because I never feel like I'm at liberty to do what I think best; I'm always shackled by their expectations. While many people thrive in that kind of culture, I languished.
After I started breaking the Rules, something in me changed. I found a renewed passion in my life, something that had been quietly imprisoned while I whittled away at outside expectations. The moment my will touched freedom, I couldn't go back.
An unscripted life can be scary, but it can also be wild, exhilarating, and captivating. I'm ready to be captivated.
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