A world in bloom

March has nearly left us and, so I hope, has the poor weather and gloomy days. As far as I can tell, April is very nearly a perfect month. Not only because it is the month of my birth but because it really is a month of change and growth.

Spring is in bloom, and so am I.

I need change in my life, as I've said so often before. It's time for me to shake off the old, gloomy winter self and breathe life into the new, lively spring self.

I need to stop moping and feeling sorry for myself. My nasty mood earlier this week showed me very clearly that I don't enjoy feeling that way and need to actively work to get through those bad times. I can't always control it when I have a downturn, but I can do my best to bring my spirits up as soon as possible.

I think I did that this time. I only let myself feel really down and upset for a day, but during that time I was reading scriptures and motivational books, doing yoga and going for walks all to help me feel better again. It didn't work immediately, but it did work.

I'm really trying hard not to dwell on negatives. That is one of my major goals. Even if everything in my life feels like crap, I'm trying to see the good that is there, and at least not bore everyone around me with complaints. I know how hard it is to be around people who are negative and I don't want to be like that. Not ever.

So I keep working and doing my best to improve myself and my circumstances. That's the only way I'll really ever get through these doldrums -- being active and not giving myself time to bemoan my life.

Life feels good today. I can't always say that, but I'm learning to appreciate the times when it does feel wonderful. It helps me to get through those rough patches.

As a side note, I'm really excited about my birthday this year because it really feels like a milestone. I'll be turning 26 on the 26th of April. A birthday like that only happens once in a lifetime. That's definitely something to celebrate. And for probably the first time in my life, I honestly don't care if I get any presents. Maybe I am getting more mature. Who'd have thought that would ever happen?

TT4 Ways to de-stress

Thirteen ways I (try to) de-stress

1…. Getting a massage. Mmm...

2…. Doing yoga. It's especially nice when I can feel all my muscles stretching.

3…. Chic flics. P&P anyone?

4…. Sitting in my hot tub for a few hours.

5…. Curling up with a good read, especially if there's a nice romance involved.

6…. Venting my frustrations in my journal or on my lovely bloggie.

7…. Taking a long walk through the park behind my house.

8…. Petting my dog, a golden retriever. For his size, it's surprising how much he likes to cuddle.

9…. Prayer. Nothing works better.

10…. Laying on the floor breathing deeply.

11…. Kneading a stress ball. Effective for work where you aren't allowed to throttle your boss.

12…. Taking a nap.

13….Talking it out with friends over lunch.

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Back to (somewhat) normal

Well, I've calmed down a bit now. And none too soon. I had just gotten to my breaking point and hit bottom for a few hours, nothing terribly pleasant, but at least it wasn't as bad as it's been in the past.

I am feeling better now, not completely cheerful but also not ready to rip someones throat out with my teeth. That was a pretty vile mood I was in yesterday; those these tend to come at times but I always seem to make it through relatively whole and unharmed.

It doesn't help that it's dark and dreary outside with buckets of rain pouring down. I always seem to feel better when it's nice and sunny, something I'm sure most people would say. I don't think I've ever met a person who preferred the weather stormy and overcast to sunshine.

So, no worries about me. I'll pick myself up again, like I always do. At least I can be grateful that this crash wasn't as bad as some I've had in the past. Maybe I am learning from the bad times and making it easier on myself when I do fall into a bad mood. That is one thing to be happy about.

Read at your own peril

Disclaimer: The following post will be filled with whining, crying, rants, and a general foul mood. If you do not wish to subject yourself to this (how I wish I didn't have to subject myself to this), skip down a few posts and read on. Otherwise, hold your hats because it's a doozy.

No matter what I try lately, nothing seems to be working out for me. I hate feeling like this, like the bottom of my world is dropping out and there's nothing to catch me from falling.

My list of woes includes: work sucks and is steadily getting worse; I can't find a job that I'm qualified for that will pay me what I want; I have no dating life and only weird guys hit on me, even on dreadful Internet dating sites, since most of the normal ones run for cover; and I hate living at home and would rather be living somewhere else.

It may not seem so dreadful, but the list keeps on piling up and it's all spilling over to a boiling point. I'm about ready to explode. In tears or anger, no one knows. That we'll just have to wait and see. Though I do hope it's while I'm at home where I can sob my eyes out by myself.

And it's not like I enjoy feeling this way. I've tried countless things to lighten my mood today (yoga, walking, reading, writing in my journal), but none of them has had any affect whatsoever. I'm doomed, at least for the moment, to wallow in my misery.

I'm hoping it'll start to get better soon. I don't know how much longer I can stand all these turbulent emotions coursing through me. And there's only so many times I can assure people I'm only tired (Sorry Mamie). I pray it isn't a long, drawn-out torture. I'd prefer a swift beheading to slowly drowning any day.

Unfortunately not all of it's up to me. I have to deal with other people making their own choices and I have to live with the consequences of the choices they make. That more than anything at the moment is upsetting me. If this were all up to me, I'd have my problems fixed in no time. But I can't do that, not in this case. All I can do is keep going and working and waiting for it all to work itself out. Geez, that sucks.

End note: I apologize for the aforementioned foul mood and hope I haven't scared away every unwary, and normal, person who had the misfortune to cross my site. Have a nice day.

So tired

I have been so tired lately, and I really shouldn't be. I sleep enough hours in the day, but every morning when I wake up I still feel exhausted. Even trying to get to bed earlier hasn't helped. Then I just lay there for hours until I give up and take a sleeping pill. Then I just end up oversleeping.

Part of the reason for my tiredness, I fear, has something to do with what a doctor told me while I was living in Canada. He said that when I get tired like that and my lymph nodes swell up, among other things, it's probably what some doctors call Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He wasn't very helpful about it since he thought all that was bunk and told me I just needed to eliminate stress from my life. Yeah, if it were only so easy.

I tend to have problems with it from time to time, and it seems like Bert and Ernie are back to haunt me again. (And yes, I did name my lymph nodes, but only because I really got to know them well after all my health problems. Bert's usually the skinny one while Ernie tends to swell up more often.)

I hate when this happens because who knows for how long it'll last. Sometimes it's weeks, it could be months, I just never know. And there is no cure for it; doctors don't even understand it completely. The only advice I ever get is: Deal with it, and Try not to get so stressed. Very helpful, let me tell you.

So now I just have to try to relax and pray it doesn't last too long. During one episode I resorted to using ginseng just to stay awake during the day so I could work, but once it wore off I would completely crash. It doesn't feel too bad this time, so hopefully I can head it off before it gets too bad. If only I were so lucky.

Shedding my skin

Okay, so I got bored with my old skin and decided to shed it for a new one. (In more ways than one since I'm also peeling like crazy with this mad sunburn I have.)

I tend to get bored pretty easily, and since I have no clue about making my bloggie its own little skin, I'm going with another of the lovely, everyone-has-an-identical-looking-blog template.

Que sera, sera.

My pretty little garden

I've really been trying to change my attitude lately, but it's always so much harder than I think it will be. I do want to think positive, happy thoughts, but then a little frustration comes buzzing at my heels, pestering me until I start swatting at it and getting upset that it just won't go away. And just like flies, they tend to multiply exponentially. Once you get rid of one, three more come your way. They just won't leave me alone!

So, instead of dwelling on them, I'm trying a new tactic: Ignore it or change the topic. We'll see how well it works. I really like how one writer put it. He says your mind is like a garden and you should cultivate good, positive thoughts while weeding out the bad, negative ones.

I really like that image; my mind is generally brimming with beautiful flowers, but I have to make sure I keep annoying weeds from choking them out. It seems like a gentle way of keeping my mind from sinking into despair or frustration.

That is my goal for the next little while. I guess we'll see how well I do with it. I have noticed, though, that when I actively try to change my thoughts I am more successful at it and thus in a better mood most of the time. But lets face it, I'm still a woman and dramatic and hormonal, so I don't know if I'll ever get rid of all my negative thoughts. It is worth a try, though.

TT 3 Reasons I write

Thirteen reasons I write 1…. If I didn't, I'd probably go crazy. 2…. I have a lot to say, but people usually don't listen. Maybe they'll read instead. 3…. Sometimes I just want to write something that takes my own breath away. 4…. What better way to vent about everything under the sun without annoying everyone within throwing distance. 5…. I figure selling my novel is the only way I'll make myself rich. I wish. 6…. How else will my (future) children and their children learn to appreciate how strange and dramatic my life is? 7…. There are so many stories bouncing around in my head; I need to get rid of them somehow. 8…. I have a rich imagination that everyone else needs to appreciate. 9…. It pays the bills. 10…. I'm good at it. What can I say? 11…. I write because I am. 12…. Words are my passion. 13…. I really think I could live if I couldn't write. There'd be no point to my existence without it.

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Finally someone normal

After the not-so-good online dating experiences of yesterday, last night right before I went to bed I actually had a good one. Someone started IMing me and at first I thought it was going to be like all the others, some weird guy I wasn't going to be remotely interested in, but I was wrong. I am very happy to be wrong.

He was actually really funny and had me laughing out loud on several occasions. Who knows if anything will happen, or if he'll contact me again like he said he would, but it was nice to have a good experience with the whole thing.

As you can tell, I'm pretty jaded about dating. I just want it all to be over, me and my little man married and happy and no more worries about trying to find "the one" anymore. Ah, wouldn't that be nice. But until then, I keep plugging away hoping that it will happen . . . someday . . . eventually . . . maybe.

And next up, jerk number 2

Okay, I lied. Well, not really, but I'm not keeping up on my resolution, either. I didn't have any time to post earlier, however, because I had a date. Yes, a date. Something I haven't had in nearly a year. Pathetic, I know, but there it is.

Anyway, I have lots to share about unusual things guys say when they are a) interested in a girl or b) mad that a girl rejected them.

So to start, I'll relate what happened on the date today. The guy was nice and we met at a restaurant for lunch, nothing too fancy, but it took us forever to get in there because he kept getting lost, so I had to direct him in. Anyway, once we started talking I realized just how little we had in common. Well, I already knew this to some extent since we'd talked on the phone some, but it really hit me as we spoke face to face.

All I can really say about him is that he really lacked tact. A sampling of him extremely tactless remarks:

"Is your family wealthy?"
"If you don't use birth control right after you're married then you could have a kid 10 months later."
"A girl I went out with last week..."
"I'm really trying to date more and have dates lined up with other girls this weekend."
"I'm dating a lot because I have more money now than I've ever had before."
"I only got into that university with a full-ride scholarship because I'm a minority."

And those lovely quotes are in addition to further discussion on taboo subjects for a first date, which include money, race, other people you're dating and birth control. I still have no idea how he was able to pull all that off without feeling slightly embarrassed.

Needless to say, that will be the one and only date with him.

Moving on to the bizarre messages I received from another gentleman (or should I say jerk) from the online dating thing. He had sent me a "flirt" a week ago, but I wasn't really interested so I sort of ignored it. Bad I know, but there it is. Anyway, last night he sent me a message that said:

"I would love to get to know you some more, you sound like a really great gal and it would be great to chat with a cutie like yourself..."

I responded by saying I wasn't interested. A few minutes later he sent this message:

"You are a cute girl but you don't seem like the type that would go for a guy like me."

Right on, bucko. But of course I didn't say that. Actually, I didn't say anything because I was busy doing something else on the computer. Five minutes passed when I received this nasty little piece of work:

"Like I said, I could never get a girl like you but in all honesty, I am too good for you."

I was shocked, to say the least, that someone could be so rude over being rejected online. I was going to tell him exactly where to shove it but decided to take the high road and just blocked him from seeing my profile or sending me messages so I didn't have to worry about getting any more jerky little messages.

It's amazing how thin skinned some people can be. Boy, will I be glad when the horrors of dating are behind me.

Early to bed, well, sort of

I've made a new resolution: From now on, I'm going to go to bed early so that I'll wake up early. Benjamin Franklin would be proud. So instead of all these late night posts I'm famous for, I'll instead be like normal people and conduct business during daylight hours.

Well, sort of, since I work so late. Early for me is in bed by midnight and up by 8 or 9 (depending on how long it takes to fall asleep). But hey, at least it's earlier than 2 or 3 in the morning like I've been doing. At least I'm improving -- always look on the bright side.

Oh boy

Oh, what to do, what to do. I feel like a mess right now. I probably shouldn't, since there's nothing really wrong, it just doesn't feel right, for some reason.

I got one of my frustrations taken care of this week. My stepmom had guilt-tripped me into watching my niece a few days a week when she was the one who had committed to watching her in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love my niece very much, but chasing after a 3 year old when I need to be finding a job and doing other things to get my life in order can get really tiresome really quick.

So I went above her head and told my sister-in-law about my concerns and they worked it out so someone else is watching her on the days I used to. I'm really glad I talked to her and it was resolved in a caring and positive way. That's how families should work -- helping each other out as needed, but understanding when circumstances change. I feel really good about the outcome.

Now I have more time to devote to finding a new job. If all goes well, fairly soon I'll have another one of my anxieties taken off my back.

I don't know. All I know is that I want my life to feel right again. I want to feel like a whole person without chunks missing all over the place. Sigh.

TT 2 Places to visit before I die

Thirteen places to visit before I die: 1…. Paris. Next spring, baby! 2…. Great Wall of China. Bicycling tour, anyone? 3…. Ireland. Ah, now there's a place I'd like to rent a little cottage for 6 months and write. 4…. Alaska. But only in the summer. Canada was cold enough for me. 5…. Pyramids of Egypt. I'd love to go exploring in those tombs, mummies not included. 6…. Africa. A safari sounds perfectly exotic. 7…. Venice. Italian food and getting around by boat. Molto benne! 8…. Tibet. Who hasn't wanted to visit with all those monks? 9…. New Zealand. People say this is paradise on Earth. 10…. Spain. Beautiful castles. And I love listening to their theta accent. 11.…. Peru. The food is incredible and I've a hankering to see their ruins. 12…. Mexico. Beaches and ancient ruins. What could be better? 13…. Hawaii. I've heard the beaches are idyllic and the sunsets are to die for.

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How do you stop this thing?

Right now I feel frustrated with life. Nothing seems to be turning out as I'd like. But I can't let that control me or the direction of my life.

I went running this afternoon. Before I left, I felt really down and didn't feel like doing anything. I know they say that exercise is a natural mood booster, and it did help. But it wasn't a permanent solution.

If I could turn off my brain for a while, I think that would help. My problem, well one of my bigger problems, is that I tend to overanalyze things and think them to death. Even after I tell myself to stop dwelling on things, I find my mind drifting back to them and getting upset all over again.

Maybe I could find a special remote, similar to the one in "Click" where you could hit pause when I'm overanalyzing or stop when I'm stuck on a certain train of thought. That would be so nice. The problem with that is that I would probably use the rewind button a little too much so I could go back and replay certain conversations and see what I should have done better. Oh, wait. I already do that.

Ugh. I think I just need to go to bed and sleep for a few years. Maybe when I wake up everything will be all better. One can only hope.

Reassessment

I think it's time to reevaluate my life . . . again. I tend to do this periodically, usually after periods of intense frustration. And boy am I frustrated. It seems that nothing I'm working hard to accomplish is turning out the way I'd hoped and planned.

Maybe that's the problem: Life doesn't always work out in the nice, easy way I think it will. There are complications, there is heartache, other people may choose to act differently than I want them to. But that doesn't mean my life is a failure. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So where do I stand right now?

With my job, I'm working but only part time without benefits at a place where I don't feel like an equal. I'm hoping to find a new job soon, but nothing I've applied or interviewed for has worked out. I've only been at it a few months, but I'm still worried about finding a position before I'm kicked off my dad's insurance at the end of April.

But what can I do to change it? Right now, all I can do is keep looking and try to network as much as I can. As much as I hate to admit it, this is one situation I can't control. Diligence, combined with patience, will probably help me most at the moment.

As for my one big hope for the future, my trip to Paris, that is still underway. I'm saving up and planning what I'll do when I get there. It seems like the one bright spot on the horizon, the thing that helps me want to get out of bed in the morning. With something to look forward to, things somehow get easier.

I probably sound like such a baby, whining about problems that seem so trivial. But they aren't, for me at least. Having a family is the only thing I really want at the moment. I want to be married and have kids. I know my life can be full and happy without that, but after many years of doing the single-and-loving-it thing, I'm ready to move on to that next step in life. I think I just need to be patient and keep working toward my goals and I'll get there eventually.

Random thoughts

So as I was sitting here eating some 'gourmet' snack mix, I kept trying to pick out the almonds because the rest of it isn't really to my taste. I was shaking the can, rolling it, digging through all the rest, just trying to find those elusive almonds. And you know they never put enough of them in because that's what people really want.

Then I started think about how I do that with other things in life. Dating, for instance. I've been told that I'm too picky and that must be why I'm still not married. I am picky, and who says that's a bad thing? Maybe if people were a little more discriminating in the people they married there wouldn't be quite so much divorce. And maybe I want to take my time finding the right person, digging through all the others and sifting out the good ones from the bad ones until I find what I'm looking for. That can't be all bad. I just have to make sure I hold onto the one I want when I find him.

I'm also picky in what I watch and read and listen to. That's more of a recent habit, sifting through all the filth out there. I'm sure anyone who's spend any amount of time on the Internet has run across things they'd really rather not have seen. There's so much garbage out in the world nowadays, and it's so hard to keep it from sullying you. I can say from personal experience that there are things I've seen and heard that are now seared onto my brain and I will never be rid of them, no matter how much I'd like to be. It's just not worth it. So I'm being careful to pick through all the bad stuff until I get to the good.

There are so many other areas of my life where, yes, I am picky. But is it really a bad thing? I don't think so. As long as I remember that, although I personally am not partial to the peanuts, maybe someone else is. And that's not a bad thing either.

Hi. My name is Michelle and I'm a blogger addict

This is going to be a really short one tonight because I'm just ... so ... tired. I have been staying up much too late lately, and I have blogger to thank for it.

I'm turning into one of the people I used to make fun of, who would sit for hours at the computer getting to know people instead of going out in the real world. I still have a lot of face time with people and go out and do things with friends, but now I have all new friends I can't even see. It's like my own little world no one around me knows about.

I know I'm rambling. I'm so sleepy I'm on the point of being delirious.

So the point of this is that I can't go to bed at night without checking on my little blogging world. I have to see what others are doing and write a little. I've officially become an addict.

Do they have any 12 step programs for that?

What's a girl to do?

My newest dilemma: How to reject people without feeling like a complete git.

So, my sister was really excited for me to be doing the online dating thing seeing as I'm 26 and not married. In Utah, this means I've officially been an old maid for 5 years now. I don't really care, but she seems to think I'm turning into an old bitty.

She took the time to sit down and fill out my personal survey for me, with me yelling at her in the background (No! I am not interested in fishing!) and she ignoring me like always. (I later changed many of the answers.)

I'm okay with the whole situation, actually, which is a lot different than I imagined it. I like chatting with new people, getting to know them. The only thing I'm really not excited about is turning people down.

Last night when a very scary looking man sent me a 'flirt' I agonized all night about what I should do. Ignore him? Tell him 'No thanks'? Talk to him though I really didn't want to? I couldn't decide.

Finally this morning I opted for the second. A polite 'No thanks' can go a long way.

But then it happened again. Another guy I wasn't remotely interested in sent me a 'You're cute' message and I, coward that I am, sent one back saying 'Thanks'. I couldn't think of what else to do.

The reason for this whole post, however, is avoidance and procrastination. Someone just sent me a message and I really don't want to respond because he's not terribly attractive and we don't share any of the same interests.

I feel so vain. This is horrible how I have to keep rejecting all these poor men who are just looking for a nice girl to date -- only problem is that girl isn't me. What am I to do? Do I just keep rejecting them, hoping that eventually a nice guy I could be interested in finally messages me? Or do I give in and respond to them all?

But that would mean a lot of dating and, as we all know, I hate dating. With a passion. And it would mean a lot of dating. In one day I've already received almost a dozen messages.

This could be bad. Very bad. What did I let my sister talk me into?

Edit: I just sent another 'Thank you'. I hope he gets the message.

Surprised by kindness

I am surrounded by people of kindness, so much that it fills me with wonder at times. You'd think that in a world where we hear so much about anger and violence and unrest, that you would meet an extraordinary amount of unkind and hateful people. I read so many stories to that effect every day at work.

In fact, the opposite is true. Throughout my life I have been touched by the goodness and kindness of the people I associate with. Often I expect to see poor behavior, which I do on occasion, but overall people truly are good and looking to spread hope and light to a dark world.

What brought this to my mind was tonight while at work we received a call from a co-worker who'd gone home for the night only to end up in a crash, completely totalling her car. Everyone there was concerned for her, and several people suggested going to pick her up until someone could come get her.

Only moments later, one of our co-workers, who has had several severe health problems, wasn't keeping up with his work and had disappeared for a few minutes. Instead of complaining, several people pitched in to lighten his workload and others were more concerned about his health than the work he wasn't completing.

Maybe I'm jaded, but I was really surprised by the outpouring of kindness I saw this evening. I've also been pleasantly surprised this week by all the kind comments I've received on my blog and all the support I've witnessed in the blogging community. Rarely do I see an unkind comment, which could also be because they've been deleted. But either way, there is goodness out there if one has eyes to see it.

All this has helped me to remember an important lesson: If kindness and goodness is to flourish in the world, we must all contribute. And that includes, most importantly, me. I must look for the good in others and look past all the outward stereotypes or judgements I would make. There is goodness in everyone; I just have to take the time to see it.

13 guilty habits (or 13 reasons I'm still single)

Thirteen Things about Michelle 1…. I love batter, dough, anything not baked better than the final product. 2…. I can finish off a whole package of brownie batter in one sitting. 3…. I can't stand cheesy romance novels, unlike most women. 4…. I can go weeks or months without shaving my legs in winter. 5…. When I was little I hated the taste of toothpaste so much I'd only brush with water, hence all my cavities. 6…. I love action movies, especially when the woman kicks butt. 7…. I hate dating. Period. 8…. I just signed up for an online dating Web site, and I actually enjoyed it. Yikes. 9…. I'm fascinated by popping zits. Gross, I know. 10…. I hate talking on the phone. 11…. I'm nearly 26 years old and I've never actually kissed a guy. (Sad, I know, but it's a long story.) 12…. I absolutely refuse to touch other people's feet. Feet are disgusting, well, except my own, that is. 13…. I'm addicted to blogging when most of my friends and family don't even know I have a blog.

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Family intervention

So my sister called me tonight while I was at work and said asked me what username I wanted to use for an Internet singles dating Web site. She and her husband decided they were going to pay for an account for a few months because they really want me to get married.

The scary part is (well, there are several scary parts here) that a) my brother-in-law wants to write my profile, so who knows what kind of wackos will be interested in me, b) I have heard very few success stories and way too many horror stories about dating online, c) I hate being hit on, especially by weird, creepy guys online, and d) what kind of wierdos am I going to have to put up with and even, horror of horrors, actually have to spend time with some of them on a date?

Let's just say that I'm not enthusiastic about it. I'm fine with my non-dating, pathetic love life at the moment. I've got bigger fish to fry, so I see no need to put myself out in an uncomfortable place.

I'm fine living my life like I'm a future crazy cat lady.