Dreams to dream

While analyzing my dreams from last night, which I won't go into since they were so bizarre and involved saving the world from an evil man and his henchmen by playing board games and being kept from drowning by a whale and other animals I could talk to, I realized how fearful I am of the fleetingness of life and of living in the moment.

I know it may seem like a big, long stretch to come away with those interpretations, but there were a lot of elements in the dreams that related to fear and anxiety I have in my everyday life. And pondering those things I came up with the conclusion that I fear losing the past and worrying too much about the future.

Every day I tell myself to live here, now and not worry about the past or the future: one is gone and the other will take care of itself as long as I'm making the right choices this moment. But, honestly, I'm afraid to try. As I mentioned previously, when I go places, I have my camera glued to my eye so I don't miss a great photo op. I'm so worried about taking pictures to capture those memories for the future that I forget to actually enjoy those memories in that instant.

I think part of me is afraid that if I don't capture every moment permanently, like with a photograph, all of it will pass me by and I'll have nothing to hold on to later. I've even noticed lately that many of my cherished memories seem dimmer as I age. It's probably natural, but the more time that passes, the softer the edges become until it's only a memory of a memory anymore.

And on the other side, I'm getting to the point again where I'd rather sit and daydream than actually live my life. My images of the future look so bright inside my head, I'd rather think of that than work to make my life as pleasant as I dream it could be.

I'm trying to live in the past and in the future simultaneously while doing my best to skip over the present. Much of that is because I'm so dissatisfied with my life right now. Nothing's really wrong, but neither does it seem right. I'm stuck in a limbo of my own making as I wait for things to get back to where they were before. But as one of my favorite songs says, "We can never go back to before." We have to keep moving forward. That is the only way to go in life.

I need to find a way to start healing myself and coming to like who I am again. I've been there before, and I want that again.

To get there, I have to rid myself of these fears and anxieties that halt me in my progression. I'm so afraid of ruining my life that I stop taking any action. Instead it's all reaction based on fear. That's no way to live.

And why do I fear the present so much? I fear responsibility, of too much being asked of me to doom me to failure. I fear never fulfilling my dreams and my goals, so I don't even try to achieve them. I fear never finding love, so I closet myself in my room so I don't have to feel rejection and pain. I fear living the life I've always wanted, because then what will I have to look forward to once all my dreams become real?

These fears are all irrational and stupid, I know, but getting my brain to see this can be quite a task. It'll take time to work through all things issues I have before I can feel whole again. But recognizing fear is the first step toward overcoming it. And I'm taking that first trembling, frightened step now.