Words that harm

My experiences with online dating have been mixed, to say the least, but I was shocked to read a message I received this evening from a man I had politely rejected earlier. Instead of taking it in stride that I was not interested him and moving on to greener pastures, he took it upon himself to hurt me as much as possible.

His message?

"Those wrinkles under your eyes make me think you would have looked to old for
me anyway."

This coming from a 40-year-old man.

I can't say I wasn't hurt by his cruel words, because I was. But I was more upset to see that yet again someone thinks it justified to cause another hurt since his own feelings had been injured by the rejection.

When did it become acceptable, even appropriate, to lash back at someone who'd rejected you?

I was sorely tempted to respond in kind, but I realized I would only be continuing a cycle of violent remarks. No one deserves to be abused, not with words, not in any way. Had I replied back I would have been as culpable as he.

Instead I aired the grievance to my co-workers, who gave him a thorough lashing even though he wasn't around to hear it. But one of the ladies made a remark that really struck me.

"He'd never have said such things if you'd been talking to him face to face."

He probably wouldn't have, would he? So my next question is, why is it okay to hurt someone by email when we would never dream of being so cruel in person? Have we, in our zeal for open communication and frankness, allowed ourselves to become so callous to the feelings of others?

It shouldn't matter if a person is sitting in the next room or a world away. We have to be kind and loving and forgiving of others or we threaten to lose our humanity. We become slave to ourselves and our need feel superior to others, at whatever the cost.

A thought by Lynne Truss, in her book "Talk to the Hand" really strikes me.

"If we looked inside ourselves and remembered how insignificant we are, just for
a couple minutes a day, respect for other people would be an automatic result."

That is what the correspondence was lacking. Respect. If he had respected me as a person, he would never have been so cruel over a natural result of dating. If he had respected the agency I have to choose or reject him, he would have understood that it was never meant to harm, though harm was unwittingly done.

I can't say that I'm completely blameless. There have been times when, hurt by something someone said or did, I struck back with some witty retort intended to bring them down. But I'm older now and see just how selfish that is. I'm trying to mend my ways and show others I care about their feelings, not just my own.

I just wish society as a whole would see that, see how much damage we are doing by applauding the Sean Hannitys of this world whose only purpose is to cause harm by their biting words. I wish they could feel the hurt they cause and see that it serves no purpose other than to boost their own egos.

Okay, I'll get off my soap box now, but please, the next time you are tempted to lash back at someone, no matter the cause, stop and think of how much hurt you will be causing them and learn to swallow that caustic remark.