Lo siento

My sister never wanted dolls, when she was little. For Christmas she usually asked for trucks or a baseball bat. I, on the other hand, was all girl--Barbies, dresses, makeup, anything and everything you'd think a little princess-in-training would want or require.

She played baseball and basketball and could be found around the TV with all the other boys watching college football. You couldn't have dragged me near the football games if my life depended on it. I much preferred dancing and gymnastics.

As we started to get older, I would think about boys and kissing, especially whenever my current crush was nearby. She didn't care much about boys, except when she could beat them at sports. Only once did I ever hear of her mentioning that she thought some boy was cute. That nearly sent me into shock.

Throughout our childhood, she always said she never wanted to get married and never, ever wanted to have kids. I always knew I wanted a family--someday. I planned on getting married after I'd had the chance to travel the world and have lots of boyfriends and do pretty much whatever I wanted before time came to settle down.

But when we moved on to high school, she started going out on dates. She had a couple boyfriends, though never anything serious. I wanted desperately to have a boyfriend, but nothing ever seemed to work out (read: the only guys who ever asked me out were complete nerds and not even close to my type).

Then one day she met a really weird guy (I can say that because he's the first to admit it). He left to serve a church mission for two years, and they soon started writing letters at least two or three times a week, even though they were supposed to limit it to only once a week. Soon enough he came home, and a short time later they were married.

I played the bridesmaid, and everyone started betting on how soon I would find my own match. Not in the near future, I told them, because I had plans that didn't involve marriage and kids for a long time.

My sister's ideas about marriage and children had slowly shifted, for her own reasons surely. Maybe growing up or maybe finally finding that one oddball who would fit her perfectly. (You know I'm kidding.) But whatever happened, she finally realized that she wanted the family she'd sworn off as a child and teen.

It always makes me laugh when I think about how adamant she was that she wouldn't get married, and she ended up married young at 20. And then I think of how I was the romantic one with aspirations to have boyfriends and love and everything else a girl dreams of, and I'm the one who is yet to be married (or even have a boyfriend) at age 26. Things never turn out the way we imagine when we're young.

That's especially true for my sister. She has been married for 7 years now, and she has yet to have children. What was once considered boring and unnecessary is now the only thing she really wants. A few weeks ago she called me to say she was pregnant, and her excitement was without bounds. Her husband had even started coming up with names (Carthok, Kontock, I can't remember, but something equally horrible.) They made so many plans for what they would do with the child, when they would bring it down for everyone to see, where the child would sleep.

If only their hopes could translate into reality. Today, my dad let me know she had miscarried again.

There was always the risk, what with her health problems, but they tried so diligently to avoid anything that would endanger the baby. She was even on bedrest for a time though she was just two months along. Now they have to start over, try again, and pray even harder.

I can understand, at least to some degree, of what it's like to be denied the one thing you truly want in life. Though I haven't miscarried, and I know I'll never know that kind of sorrow until it happens to me, I too have grieved over something I couldn't control. She wants children, but she has been unable to have them. I want a man to love me and so I can start my own family, but I have yet to find someone who can give me all I ask and need.

Each of us has hopes, dreams, desires--things we so desperately want but, for whatever reason, has been denied. I don't know when she will get her child. Neither do I know when it will be my turn to find love. Soon, I pray, for both our sakes. Until then, all I can tell her is that I do love her. She's the only sister I have, and though there are times when she ticks me off, I still care what happens to her. I'll be here, when you need me.

And until we both receive what our hearts' desire most, at least we know someone will always be there to complain to, and to laugh and cry with.