Obsessed

Is it wrong to want something so bad that it hurts when you don't have it? I wonder, because popular wisdom tells you to be driven, to seek for what you want. Okay, check. Got that.

But then it is also important to be zen, to let life float by you like a lazy stream, dipping your toes in but never getting fully wet. Alrighty. I can do that. Zen, peaceful, happy, asleeeeeep . . .

For me, I can't seem to have both at the same time. I'm a driven person. I'm also obsessive. I tend to want something and then put my whole force behind it until I either achieve it, burn myself out, or find something else I'd rather obsess about. And I'm really not kidding when I say that.

No medium ground here. Nosiree.

So where does that leave me, then? Driven, yes. Peaceful, sometimes (at least when "finding peace" is my obsession du jour). Happy, frequently. Unfulfilled, often.

The problem with being driven is that sometimes goals take longer to achieve than my current store of energy. Take, for example, my current obsession: writing books and getting them published.

So, I've written two books so far and have starts for twelve others. And no, I'm not kidding. I have the files on my computer ready for me to work on them. I plan to finish all of them at some point in my life, and that doesn't include new ideas that keep popping into my head even though I'm already busy enough with the ones I have. Ugh!

That leaves me with a whole lotta work and not nearly enough time to do it all in, especially when we factor in time to rewrite, edit, and revise. Plus the wonderful time spent querying and being rejected.

Sigh. This would probably be why I'm still single. I really don't have enough time to deal with a man and then work on my obsession. For the moment, I chose my obsession. But that's not to say that a man couldn't become an obsession later. It's happened before; I won't rule it out.

So the point of this ramble is, really, there's no point. I just needed to ramble a bit tonight. My obsession has worn me out for the evening, so I must to bed before exhaustion sets in. I hate it when I fall asleep in my regular clothes. Jeans just aren't very comfy.