Just one of them days

You know, there are times where I really hate hormones. They screw with your life when you least need it.

This past week has been full of "them days." Probably just a pre-spring, winter's-still-hanging-on funk. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I hate the fact that I'm not perfect. I hate messing up and making every mistake there possibly is to make. If I were better, smarter, wiser, then maybe my world wouldn't fall down around me so often.

No need to worry about me, folks. It's just one of them days, and it will pass. I'm sure you've had them as well. But for the moment, I really want to vent and get it all out.

I'm single. Never had a boyfriend. Never been on more than two dates with one guy. Mainly because I attract weirdos and psychos, but that's neither here nor there.

It's not that I'm desperately lonely or desperate to be married. It's more that I want to find someone I can be honest with, who I can love without worrying what he's always thinking of me. I want someone who will listen to everything I have to say without judging, and without me worrying that he'll hate me because I really am crazy when you get down to it. But that won't matter because he'll have to be crazy in his own ways to love me.

I want that bond with another human that one finds once in a lifetime, if then. Not much to ask for. I'm just asking for the world.

So me, as pathetic as I am at this moment, turn to the ether of the internet to pour out my sorrows and assuage my grief. Nothing tangible, really, just a sense of loss that I can't explain.

But another day moves on, and I must prepare for bed and get ready for the Groundhog Day that is my life. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Probably the biggest sense of loss is that I can't take my life in the direction I want it to go because I am dependent upon others for some of the choices I wish I could make for them. Marriage, book deal, travel, buying a home. All of those things are not in my control right now, and it kills me.

What is there to do, though, but stick with what I have and keep moving along. Like the good trained ferret I am, I will go about my life in the semblance it is now until I can shatter that monotony and shake it all up. I will persevere because there is nothing else I can do at the moment.

So, control what I can. Plant my garden. Write my books. Do my best at work. Plug along until it isn't quite so hard and the days don't feel quite as long.

It will get better. Always does. So no worrying about me, now. Just needed to vent, is all. Go back to your merry life and don't mind me.