Forget

A friend asked the other day why I've been so sorrowful lately. After I stopped smiling over her use of "sorrow"—love that word—I started to think about it. I'm normally not, not at all, but the past two years have been my own hell and I'm finally creeping out of it.

Thing is, even in the midst of illness and financial woes and failure, I still pushed on and found happiness in every day. What I realized is that the hardest time for me is the moment right before the perpetual fighting ceases and things start to work in my favor again. It's that sight of an end, close but not yet here, that breaks me. I know it will work out, sometime soon, but it's still not here and I'm still fighting and I'm just so tired.

I don't know that I explained it well, but I tried. She let me go on my way without saying more, just the knowledge that someone cared enough to notice and ask. And I thought about it some more.

I've explained in recent posts about some of the hardships and heartaches that have come over the past few years, or at least shared the feeling of what happened if not specific details or circumstances. Now, though, the feelings I have are of a burgeoning hope still too new to give voice to its life. I am in darkness but dawn is bringing itself gracefully to my world. As with all good things, that grace is slow. So I must wait a bit longer and allow this brand-new hope to grow a bit while it is yet dark out. That way it is ready to burst forth with brilliance when the morning arrives.

So you see, it's not that I'm filled with sorrow, but that I am weary of keeping it at bay. Life is good and getting better, but my cautious heart still fears a return of blindness. Please, don't worry for me. Instead, fill me with laughter so I forget to wait. Then, when the light of happiness blazes around me I won't notice it hadn't been there all along.